Dark Side vs Bright Side

Do you ever find yourself thinking how many different ‘personalities’ you can have?

Well I do! I astonish myself with how sweet, bubbly, understanding and warm I can be but under certain circumstances, I changed. And I became someone I didn’t like being.

I became the complete opposite of my usual self. It didn’t happen often but when it did… I didn’t recognize myself…

It was like a shadow over me, turning me into the dark side of me.

I started trying to analyze what had happened to make my feel like that… I came to the conclusion that the few times this happened, I was kind of lost… ok, very lost, let’s get real. I didn’t know what to do with my life, every single decision I made was wrong. This made me so anxious. I couldn’t even sleep.

I questioned everything, including my stay in Dubai.

I was super sensitive with way too much energy flowing in both my body and my brain, not knowing exactly how to manage it.

It seemed so strong, I felt I couldn’t really contain it and I got desperate trying to get it out of my system.

I felt permanently wired to electricity but so tired at the same time and not being able to rest and sleep. My friends were all on vacation on top of it all and I felt lonely.

For the first time in my life I thought I was going crazy and would lose my grip.

I couldn’t focus on anything except that horrible flow of energy feeling so different from the one I was used to. I was mostly in a bad mood and in a bad place which I couldn’t recognize and crawl out of.

This was completely new to me.

Everything bothered me… and I’m a really easy going person. My mind was so heavy.

That was not me and I didn’t know what to do. I was rock bottom in my own way.

As time went by, this dark cloud of mine was passing too. And I was starting to feel better.

As my friends were returning from vacation, my routine was settling back.

I was falling back into place as well. Everything in me started slowing down.

Then I met someone. Then I had a heartbreak. Then I recovered.

I dedicated the remaining time of 2017 to picking up my pieces and processing a whole year of adventures and yet not much progress.

As I worked through this, 2018 came in.

And I had promised that I would close 2017 exactly where it was… in the past.

When I came to terms with this decision, it seemed everything was just as it should be.

And I could finally take a deep breath because I felt like Me again.

I started writing my blog and Facebook page. Not to get many followers or Likes (I was never that much into social media) but I needed to “say out loud” whatever I was thinking.

It’s my way of speaking my mind to the world.

I’m happy to be back to my usual bubbly, easy going personality. I’m finally laughing again with simple stuff.

I can believe again in a bright future, with or without Prince Charming.

It will be My future anyway.

It’s easier said than done and sometimes you’re not able to see the future in such a bright way just because you want to. Sometimes something pulls you down and you lack the strength to see and think beyond. But I can tell you… that feeling will go away.

Don’t let it eat you away. Embrace it. We are humans, not robots.

We are made of emotions and they can either take us to an ecstatic heaven or fiery hell. And they are both part of us. That’s what my dark side taught me.

It showed me the full reality of Me. And now I know what I’m capable of, both in a good and a bad way. From now on, it’s my choice and I feel much more conscious of who I want to be.

Had I not gone through it, I would still not know that side of me.

And getting to know the worst of me has actually made me value the best of me.

bright vs dark

A big Thank You for the Liebster Award!!

Liebster pic







I’m so proud and happy to have been nominated for the Liebster Award by A Tree’s Roots. It’s so exciting to be recognized by someone with such an amazing writing! Thank you so much Ailanthus Altissima! Please refer to this blog for an understanding on the Transgender reality described through a raw but beautiful approach to what it feels like growing in a world full of deep stereotypes, such as Roots: Growth & Socialization.

What’s the Liebster Award?

As I understand, it’s a symbolic award based on a blogger’s nomination to another blog as a sign of appreciation and recognition. However, there are a few fun steps to be followed in order to “receive” it, providing visibility and respect for both who nominated your blog and your nominees.

Rules For Accepting It:

  • Write about it on your blog and thank the person who nominated you, write about their blog too.
  • Display the award on your blog.
  • Nominate 5 to 10 blogs which you feel deserve it.
  • Let the nominees know that you nominated them.”

“Don’t forget to create 10 questions for them to answer. Notify your nominees and provide a link to your post so that they’ll know what to do. Once you’re done, come back here and comment with the link to your post so I can check out your answers.”” (in A Tree’s Roots: Liebster Award – Thank You)

Questions from A Tree’s Roots:

What is your favorite color and what does it mean to you? 

Blue. I love it. There’s something about it that brings me peace. Maybe because of the sky and the sea being blue and they too bring me peace.

What prompted you to start blogging and/or writing?

It was something I had in mind for a long time but never really took that seriously. I had tried it before in my native language (Portuguese) but for one reason or another, I dropped it. Now, I decided to expose my thoughts. I was tired of hiding my endless concerns and wanted to share them in case someone might identify themselves or resonate somehow. They will know they’re not alone and I’ll also know I’m not alone.

What was the most significant journey you’ve been through?

My most significant journey was literally a journey! I moved from Lisbon (Portugal) to Dubai (United Arab Emirates) to start a new job, all by myself. Starting a new life from scratch, with no friends, no family, in a foreign country, especially in the Middle East, is an adventure which sometimes has its high moments and others not so high… It makes you revise all of your understanding on how society works, embrace new ways of working, different perspectives on Life, Religion, Social Roles. Simple things like renting an apartment, transferring your driver’s license, among others are super tasks! It’s quite a cultural challenge that requires you to adjust your brain and attitude to smoothly sail through discovering a whole new world.

Who or what is your greatest adversary?

Unfortunately, it’s myself. My mind tends to over analyze every little bit of… everything! It becomes tiring and hard to grasp if it’s something your mind is exaggerating or it’s really something to worry about. So, it’s an eternal internal dilemma. For each YES there’s a NO and vice-versa. The Mind has a very strong power and it can either Make You or Break You!

If you could conceptualize yourself as anything other than a human being, what would you be?

I’d probably be a Cat. They’re smart, sharp, funny, sweet but always within their own way to see the world.

How would you describe your safe space? If you don’t have one, what do you imagine it might be like?

My safe space is my home. Yes, even in a foreign country you can build a home, instead of just an apartment. Earth colors, warm lighting, candles, a bit of green plants, pictures… cozy, comfy environment. I put my soul in it.

What is your favorite website?

I don’t have one… I basically go online for social media and researching anything I need on a daily basis, travelling or working. I’m not computer friendly, which I find a major disadvantage. I try to keep up the basics though, not to feel excluded from society!! I do like Facebook, as it gives me the chance to express myself, whether by posting music, writing my thoughts, sharing and/or supporting social causes… no doubt it’s a Vanity Fair but it does have a good side to it, in my view.

What type of media resonates most with you?

Movies and Books. They have the ability to transport me to their own reality in each moment.

Do you have any background/education/experience you feel benefits your blog?

My education refers to Sociology/Marketing and it helped me in expressing myself though words. Although I’m Portuguese, speaking English was always kind of natural to me. Writing in English seemed like the right thing to do, living in a country that doesn’t speak my language. My personal experience helps me with the blog content… without it, I would not have created my blog. I have no particular skills to enhance my blog other than sharing what’s on my mind.

On a scale of 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest) how would you rate your ability to empathize?

I would rate myself a 7. I do think I have the ability of putting myself into someone else’s shoes and understanding their point of view on most things. So, I’m always trying to mediate opposite views and finding common ground in between.

My nominees are:







 My questions for you are:

  1. Who do you admire the most and why (can be anyone)?
  2. What’s your dream?
  3. What’s your favorite hobby and why?
  4. What would be your favorite travel destination and why?
  5. If you could pick an Era/Decade to live in, what would it be?
  6. What’s your favorite book and why?
  7. What do you most value in someone?
  8. What was the worst experience you had in your life (one you feel like sharing)?
  9. When did you ever feel the happiest?
  10. What was your motivation to start your blog?

Is this IT?

I’ve been wondering these past few days about my weekly routine… It’s comfortable, predictable and safe. I can pretty much summarize it in 3 words… work, gym, home. With all the good that comes with each one of them, I always anticipate the weekend, where I know I’ll go out… might be just going to the beach, going out to a club, having wine at home. I know I’ll have people I love around.

However, it’s impossible for me not to think deep down… Is this all there is to my life? Is this what I’m here for? Because this routine works for now, but how about when I’m old? No one to share my life with… no kids, no legacy… You leave this world leaving nothing behind.

I spent a year looking for Love, looking for the ‘other half of me’ because I wanted to know I wouldn’t end up alone in the world. You feel incomplete, as if something is missing. Something is not right, it’s not as it should be. You feel it deep within you for no reason. You feel you have not reached the full extension of you while you don’t have a life partner to do all of the things you dreamed of doing… because everything gets easier when you have unconditional love and support. The world is made for two, not one… One becomes a very lonely feeling when you think of it as in… forever…until you die.

This fear consumed me. Being scared drained my happiness, my soul, and my hope in a bright, promising future.

So this thinking starts building and developing in a million different thoughts which you want to let go of but can’t ever completely dissipate.

You blame it on society with its rules and ‘should be’, ‘must be’… by this age you should be married, having kids, being successful in your career… Well, guess what… I’m none of those… at least not up to my own standard.

(Someone told me I was too harsh on myself… maybe I am… One always thinks to be too much or too less of something. It’s hard to embrace all of your beautiful mess.)

Anyway, as I was saying… I spent a year looking for Love as if it’s something that you can find. Maybe I looked in all the wrong places but the fact is… I didn’t find it. Far from it. And even worse, I thought I did but didn’t… that’s a different story to tell.

So, by the end of the year, you get to the typical New Year’s resolutions… and I vowed for none.

I did have an ‘A-ha- moment’… I was so exhausted of searching for Love… looking for my prince charming… or frog… (one never really knows!) And luckily something happened in my brain and I made the decision of not waiting for my Other Half to be all that I can be. I AM all of ME. I have no choice but to be all of myself, by myself and for myself. Yes, I would love to get married and have my own family… How happy would my family and friends be? How happy would I be?

I can’t live my life by society’s expectation of ‘what should be’… I was taught ‘how it should be’… but I can’t live by those rules, as I don’t get a say in it. I cannot force anyone into falling in love with the magical me… But I can force myself into being me, with or without the magic. It’s hard to put on a big smile when you don’t feel like. It’s hard going out when you just want to lock yourself at home. But at the end of the day, I do need the bright and shiny side of myself.

I can’t look for something that can’t be found… If it ever happens (I’m still the daydreamer believing it will happen, don’t get me wrong!), it will have to find me. It’s not something you can snap your fingers and say… I’ll make it happen. That might work for everything else, especially if you’re a problem solver.

But I did snap my fingers and said… I’ll be the best that I can be. I don’t know for how long I can keep it up… But I can surely try.

And about this I say… I’ll make it happen.

is this it

What makes us Happy?

I find myself meandering in my own world of useless thoughts… often!

And most times I’m thinking what am I missing? The obvious thought always takes me to a place where I feel a bit incomplete, something is not quite as I wished it would be.
So then I think of everything that does
make me happy… And I decided to make an inventory!
Starting on the basic!
I’m alive… My heart is vigorously beating.
I breathe on my own.
My body functions in an autonomous, healthy way…
I am able to pay for my own apartment, car and associated expenses without depending on anyone else. I have a job which allows me to provide for all of that.
Then I think of tiny things which bring me the feeling of happiness…
Chocolate… the sweetest thing… Please don’t bring me real dark chocolate… that’s bitter, it doesn’t suite me…
Food… having that food you’ve been craving for… (you’ll pay it off at the gym… but that moment is just so… happy!… It’s just a coincidence that the first 2 are food!!)
The Beach… the ocean has an ability of soothing your mind and cleaning your soul. Warm sun on your skin… just soak it all up. Feed your energy!
The smell of vanilla/cinnamon/strawberry/lemon/fresh herbs… this one I can’t explain, I just love it… and it makes me feel really well.
My home environment… I decorated it as per my needs. It’s my safe haven.
Going out with friends… whether it’s night time or day time… It can be a wild night out or going for coffee, whatever. As long as you’re with them, doing something you all love, in that moment you can just relax. Spending Christmas with my family… no words needed here!
Movies… it carries me away to a different universe… I love the stories, I love how they are told, I get in it!
Horse riding… I don’t really know how to horse ride. I need support… but riding brings you to a place of peace and freedom.
Travelling!! I would travel the world in a heartbeat… Your mind just expands with the overflow of information, everything you see, you hear, you feel!! It’s such a big world out there… and you’re missing out on most of it!
Talking to like-minded people… it makes you feel like maybe you’re not the only weird person after-all!!
Petting cats and dogs… it’s amazing how they instantly fall in love with you without you even trying. They’re always just the best of themselves and bring out the best of you without asking for a thing in return.
Music I love… it usually lifts my spirit!
Wine! White at sunset or Red by the fireplace… you can bring the Rosé and Champaign too… I’m not picky, they just make me happy…
Hugging, kissing, cuddling… will not get in details here… for the obvious reasons. THAT hug is just your safe and happy place. There’s nothing else out there in that moment. Only those 2 souls.
Laughing out loud… if someone can do this for you… appreciate it. It might not last long. They will bring out the shine and bright in you. The real you.
Probably there are many other things we love doing that make us happy… sometimes we might not recognize it because we’re just not in tune all the time.
But please, if you’re not paying attention yet… Start working on it!


Are we all Princesses?

We are girls… women… but even so, we always like to think of ourselves as Princesses…
I might be wrong, and I can only speak for myself.
I do think of myself as a Princess.

I’m a Daydreamer. I still believe I deserve to be treated like a Princess.
Every little girl wants to be cared for, craves for affection and attention.
Does it change that much as you grow up?
Is it not something you still crave for, even as a grown woman?
Some might say Princesses are fragile… well… aren’t we fragile when it comes to Love?
Don’t we get easily hurt if we’re not treated with respect, tenderness, caring, mindfulness? Don’t we love all those sweet words? Small thoughtful gestures that show us how appreciated we are?
And nevertheless, we are strong enough.
Being strong and sweet don’t need to collide at all. They should co-exist. Each context of life demands a different side of you.
You do need to be strong to live your life, to face everyday challenges.
To face stress at work, mean people, health issues, financial issues, family issues, heartbreaks… You need to be so strong… Even to hold your relationship through the hard times or to make a decision of letting it go.
So we are all very strong to handle everything… but in the end we are not made of steal.
We are real, made of fragile flesh and feelings. We are Body and Soul.
I believe in Balance…
It’s my favorite word – other than Love!
The balance between your Strength and your Softness makes you who you are.
What you choose to give to Who, When and Why, builds your Character.
I would even dare saying we are Warriors.
We endure jobs, households, social life, love life and any other everyday affairs. And you need to juggle it all in the air.
The amount of unrelated subjects we manage daily in our lives is endless. They consume your brain and many times reflect on your body. And you keep juggling everything as if you are perfect, wearing an invisible armor.
So, yes, I’m sure we are Warriors.
Oh wait… didn’t I just say we are Princesses?!
For me, Princess is not the same as “pretty little princess”.
It’s not the condescending version of it.
It’s the Princess-Warrior, it’s a growing Queen. She embraces her power, she chooses to be herself in a world deciding who you should be.
And if that means you are fragile sometimes… so be it.
If it means striping off the invisible armor sometimes… so be it.


The Douchebag Collection – Douchebag #1

The Douchebag Collection – douchebag #1

I spoke of meeting people through dating apps before… and I met a few interesting guys, others far from it. For one reason or another, the only word that comes to my mind to describe them is… douchebags… The so called Dubai Douchebags…

Well, I guess first of all we need to understand the meaning of douchebag.

Since I don’t quite know how to define it, I Googled it… and this is what I found out!

“a small syringe for douching the vagina, especially as a contraceptive measure”
“an obnoxious or contemptible person, typically a man”

Since clearly we’re not discussing the first option (good to know, though!), let’s go with the second one.

Then I had to check what does ‘contemptible’ mean:
“despicable, detestable, hateful, reprehensible, deplorable, loathsome, odious, revolting, execrable, unspeakable, heinous, shocking, offensive”

(please let it be more than clear that this was Google research, not my wording here!).

Now, I guess the wording you choose may vary on the experience you have… I don’t choose such strong words for my little douchebags… they all taught me something, it just means something didn’t quite go as I expected and it might have hurt my girlie ego.

I met a guy who was like a kitten… he had big hazelnut eyes, beautiful big smile and we had an amazing conversation. We talked about so many different things… feed my soul and you might have a chance at feeding my body. Anyway, he was like a kitten, really sweet, really honest about life. So I wasn’t really thinking of feeding my body.
I wanted the mind connection. And on my mind, it was there. I felt something was there. We had one coffee and one breakfast and I was in love… (this is the part where you roll your eyes, I understand).
Details like noticing my top’s fabric. Or, and more interestingly, the ‘unusual and beautiful shape of my eyes’. He noticed the way a little girl was staring at me and said ‘that’s the way our babies will look at you’. He kept on babbling about how much I’d love Scotland (and by this time, I definitely would!) and how beautiful our wedding would be… If I believed?… not really, but the way he said it was just too sweet!!
And when you’re so emotional and needy, sweet words are like sugar to an addict (I’m an admitted sugar addict).
So I wanted more. But more never came. Instead I got a message saying he really liked me and therefore would not approach me like a woman but rather as a friend. That’s when it hit me: he was a womanizer and this was common for him, with one clear goal. Which I was not up for!
At first I declined (my female ego was bruised!!) but then I reconsidered as I really rather having an honest friend than a prick and agreed to coffee upon his return. Silence, and yet again, silence.
So I broke the silence (it’s the 21st century people, girls are entitled to break the silence!)
And I said I really would like to be his friend… He replied saying how much that meant to him in a world full of fake people. But he never contacted me again. And I didn’t break the silence a second time, I just let go.
Months later, he started commenting my social media (which had never happened), so I started thinking of him again!
I then came to know through a friend that he was known in the dating app world for his vast experience… and ladies recommended him for a specific end. Wow! I suspected something like that but not to that extent.
So I was really sad. I really believed him to be a nice guy.
If I think it through, I still don’t believe him to be a bad guy. We were looking for different things.
And he might be all of that but truth be said, he did respect me enough to walk away and not include me in the same bag as every other lady.
He was a predator and allowed a pray to escape. Maybe he just wasn’t interested… but predators go for the kill, whatever the pray.
So, still today, I say I believe in the best of him. I don’t think he’s interested in the best of himself though. And that’s hugely disappointing.

douchebag 1


I want the one who’ll allow me to believe in Magic.
Whom I can talk about the meaning and purpose of Life, about Life after Death, Miracles, Fate, Destiny and Free Will. About the Solar System, the Milky Way and how the Moon influences the tides and human spirit.
I want the one who will see the world with my eyes.
He will see my bright side but will also embrace my deepest, darkest side.
He will want to be my fairy tale. But he will be my ground solid rock.
We will discuss the complexity of the Human Being and understand how tiny we are but how Big we are together.
He is definitely not from this world.
(See, my feet are grounded after-all!)

the one