I’ve been wondering these past few days about my weekly routine… It’s comfortable, predictable and safe. I can pretty much summarize it in 3 words… work, gym, home. With all the good that comes with each one of them, I always anticipate the weekend, where I know I’ll go out… might be just going to the beach, going out to a club, having wine at home. I know I’ll have people I love around.
However, it’s impossible for me not to think deep down… Is this all there is to my life? Is this what I’m here for? Because this routine works for now, but how about when I’m old? No one to share my life with… no kids, no legacy… You leave this world leaving nothing behind.
I spent a year looking for Love, looking for the ‘other half of me’ because I wanted to know I wouldn’t end up alone in the world. You feel incomplete, as if something is missing. Something is not right, it’s not as it should be. You feel it deep within you for no reason. You feel you have not reached the full extension of you while you don’t have a life partner to do all of the things you dreamed of doing… because everything gets easier when you have unconditional love and support. The world is made for two, not one… One becomes a very lonely feeling when you think of it as in… forever…until you die.
This fear consumed me. Being scared drained my happiness, my soul, and my hope in a bright, promising future.
So this thinking starts building and developing in a million different thoughts which you want to let go of but can’t ever completely dissipate.
You blame it on society with its rules and ‘should be’, ‘must be’… by this age you should be married, having kids, being successful in your career… Well, guess what… I’m none of those… at least not up to my own standard.
(Someone told me I was too harsh on myself… maybe I am… One always thinks to be too much or too less of something. It’s hard to embrace all of your beautiful mess.)
Anyway, as I was saying… I spent a year looking for Love as if it’s something that you can find. Maybe I looked in all the wrong places but the fact is… I didn’t find it. Far from it. And even worse, I thought I did but didn’t… that’s a different story to tell.
So, by the end of the year, you get to the typical New Year’s resolutions… and I vowed for none.
I did have an ‘A-ha- moment’… I was so exhausted of searching for Love… looking for my prince charming… or frog… (one never really knows!) And luckily something happened in my brain and I made the decision of not waiting for my Other Half to be all that I can be. I AM all of ME. I have no choice but to be all of myself, by myself and for myself. Yes, I would love to get married and have my own family… How happy would my family and friends be? How happy would I be?
I can’t live my life by society’s expectation of ‘what should be’… I was taught ‘how it should be’… but I can’t live by those rules, as I don’t get a say in it. I cannot force anyone into falling in love with the magical me… But I can force myself into being me, with or without the magic. It’s hard to put on a big smile when you don’t feel like. It’s hard going out when you just want to lock yourself at home. But at the end of the day, I do need the bright and shiny side of myself.
I can’t look for something that can’t be found… If it ever happens (I’m still the daydreamer believing it will happen, don’t get me wrong!), it will have to find me. It’s not something you can snap your fingers and say… I’ll make it happen. That might work for everything else, especially if you’re a problem solver.
But I did snap my fingers and said… I’ll be the best that I can be. I don’t know for how long I can keep it up… But I can surely try.
And about this I say… I’ll make it happen.