Who are we?

Who are we at our core, the invisible essence hidden by the daily life. Hidden by the masks we are required to wear to perform in order to keep our jobs, our social life, our families.

When asked “how are you?”, we obviously reply “all good, thanks”. When clearly not all is good.

We hide when we’re crying.

We laugh in group but we cry alone.

We keep the intensity to ourselves.

We hide the frustration, the stress, the doubt, the misalignment between what we feel and what we know. And don’t know.

At our deepest, we know nothing.

But we long to know, we long to understand, we long to connect. To ourselves, to others. We long to connect to something higher, clearer, with a deeper meaning. We long for something sacred. Maybe we crave to find the sacred in each one of us.

It’s no coincidence we look for an escape, whether it’s alcohol, sex, drugs, psychedelics.

We want out. Anything that helps us disconnect from this body, this surface and connect above, looking for pure light and searching for some clarity and guidance.

We turn to anything that speaks energy only. Something that makes us feel, even if we don’t know what we’re feeling. Something that sees us and in someway translates our soul.

We wish to decode how to reconcile the material plane with the spiritual one.

It’s a time in which the seekers of their own light are growing.

And while we’re struggling to find our purpose, we live. We learn.

And when we do find our purpose, how do we put it to practice?

How do live by it, while staying grounded?

And in this earthly journey, we’re forced to learn the gift of patience. And faith.

We live this life looking for Love, acceptance, belonging. We’re always looking for someone to share our life with, when we know so well… we are the first person whom to share ourselves with. Yes, self-love above all. But the desire to share our life with someone else doesn’t make us love ourselves any less.
If it does, we still have work ahead, that’s true.

But assuming we’ve learned enough to love ourselves first. Assuming we already know better than to let our life be ruled by a narcissist geek (but that’s another story).

We want to share but we tell ourselves we don’t have the time for it.

We do have the time. We just don’t make the time.

We’re scared, stuck in layers of unknown trauma that keep us in our comfort zone. So we stay quiet when we have the feels for our latest crush.
We get a bit disoriented wishing it would be a two way thing.

We respond, we do not initiate, believing “what is meant to be, will be”. As we get older – we mature! – we embrace the fact we have a crush which is not reciprocated. And it’s ok.

We learn to just appreciate that someone is still capable of sparking something exciting in us and makes us giggle like a teenager.

We have a laugh with our best friend – the only one with whom you get a good cry (how lucky are we to get one of those?) – about this crush while waiting for it to dissipate.

But deep deep down, we still dream of them and that’s ok too.

We continue striving to live instead of surviving, we continue the quest for self knowledge, to understanding who we are in an attempt to make better decisions.

Decisions, that hopefully, lead us to our better and higher self.

My biggest dream is to be true to myself. 

In a society that dictates rules, goals, plans… how can you be YOU when you don’t fit or tick all the boxes? I don’t live by a plan. 

If I could, I’d take off with a backpack to somewhere that’s ruled by sun and sea.

But no. I have to be responsible and work to make money to provide for myself and for when I’m old.

I’m a straight, flat out SHE, in her 40s and single.

I wish I was free.

From society’s set frame and other people’s expectations and judgement.

How can a free spirit actually be free?

In their mind and in life in general. I don’t mean free as in I don’t want to share my life with anyone.

I wish I could share my life with someone who gets me.

All of me. The normal, the weird, the soft and the harsh Soph. To be free in a beautiful, bulletproof relationship is a wonderful thing. The unconditional love and acceptance, the no judgement ability, the see through eyes are all part of being seen and accomplished in a relationship.

Do these relationships still exist?

Do healthy relationships still exist?

Where the body meets the soul? Where the eye meets the spirit? Where the brain and the heart are in it for the same journey?

I feel people don’t give themselves anymore. They’re walled up in an immediate, quick, relationship pattern that ends when it’s just starting. When it starts getting interesting, they disappear. I think if one really knew the effects of being ghosted, he wouldn’t do it. That’s what I want to believe.

I want to believe again. 

In people, in relationships, in Love. 

Plain, simple, real. 

What are we afraid of? 

What are we avoiding? 

Why the constant need for control? 

Why the constant need to be #1?

I know the Universe will provide the best for me. But knowing isn’t the same as feeling it. Knowing on a conscious level isn’t the same as bringing up the unconscious trauma, wound, hurt to the surface and dealing with it. You can’t deal with what you don’t know it’s there.

How can we fix this?

Therapy? Counseling? Regression? Family constellations? 

I think we need to become aware that all of these things are hidden – are we willing to uncover them? 

Are we willing to start the journey?

Do we realize it’s a long haul flight?

Are we willing to peacefully coexist with our shadows and dig deep to do the work? 

How can we feel light – and BE light – in such heavy environment around us? 

People who judge us simply because they don’t understand. 

It’s hard to just be you, without the need to justify who you are and why you are like that. 

Most people live by the set of rules.

Go to school, college, work, buy a house, get married, have kids, grow your kids, retire. What if life doesn’t bring you that direction? What if you don’t buy a house, don’t get married, don’t have kids, and don’t have a retirement fund? You’re an outcast. Irresponsible.

And for people who don’t live by a plan, if they could just allow themselves to live accordingly and just flow, I know Life would get them where they’re meant to be. 

I know it, but I can’t do it. 

Peer pressure, family pressure, society’s pressure.

I feel that if I did take off with my bagpack to, let’s say, the Maldives. What would happen?

Probably I would get a job somewhere. Maybe I would be able to save some money. Maybe life would finally throw me the life partner, simply because I’d be living my own truth, my own terms, my own light. But I’m not sure. I don’t know. 

People mistake freedom with not caring. Not caring for those who stay. They will feel you’re selfish…. And irresponsible. 

They ask why can’t you just be content with what you have?

That’s the key to happiness. Yes, gratitude and contentment make you able to cope in an optimistic, integrated way and it’s an invaluable source of Life (and what a privilege it is to be alive and a healthy human being)! But it can also hold you back from living who you truly are.

So, somewhere in between, you need to find that balance. 

Between who you are, being grateful, counting your blessings and still feel alive, within your true self.

But how?

In a world built of instant made moments, how do we communicate our feelings?

The good, the bad, the complicated ones… the whole bunch of them?

We try to listen to our intuition, but how do we identify it clearly in the midst of the loud noise around us?

When it comes to love relationships in particular, how do we know “what’s normal” these days?

I don’t know about you but for me it’s been a crazy, overwhelming, roller coaster.

With everyone I met, I was naive enough to trust words… then I learned words are worthless unless supported by correlating actions… so when the actions eventually do match the words… how do you know?

Do you let it roll? Do you stop it because you’ve had enough of the same?

Truth be told… you don’t really know until you know.

And when you finally know… it’s too late because the mess has been done and that’s how you knew.

Or… if you do seem to get it right… do you hold on to “when will this go wrong” until it does go wrong?

I don’t think we have a choice but to see where it goes.

And whether it goes right or wrong… when will be the timing to evaluate that?

For me, anything beyond 3 months is already a win.

But I’ve had crappy experiences. In which I heard, and actually seen, the best of someone doing their all to get me. So they did.

What was I supposed to do? Send them on their way?

We are grown single women. Are we just prey on a hunt bound to serve a specific feast?

Is there any way we can protect ourselves in order to not live the disappointment again?

Any way our fears don’t dictate our actions?

Without sending them on their way?

I come to the ugly truth… I no longer know how to build healthy relationships.

I no longer know the right pace.

Dating apps set a tone I don’t understand, making me an alien in the process.

I want to be out there but I also want to protect my heart, body and soul from going through whatever pain, uncertainty and disbelief again.

How do I reach that balance? How do I keep the right pace?

Ultimately, whatever feels right.

The thing is… whatever feels right isn’t necessarily right.

Is there a “right” thing to beginning with?

Nothing can tell us… go ahead, it’s gonna work out the way you’ve envisioned it. Nothing.

We either decline or we go for it. If we go for it… crash boom bang?

Everyone knows when we’re infatuated with someone, we lose all thinking ability.

Our minds react differently and I think even our bodies react differently.

We become tiny in-love idiots, rather than grown smart women.

High school like feelings.

We want to live and feel the butterflies in the stomach.

Of course we become willing to trade the short, sweet, intense adventure for the average boring daily routine!

But what if we don’t want the adventure anymore?

We want the best of both worlds!

The safety net and the adventure!

We want to be sure it’s gonna be more than just an adventure.

We want to know ahead we’re finally getting our safe haven, our rock instead of playing the dismissed game.

This is where I need to bring back the focus to ourselves… our own grounding.

And remembering we’re our own safe haven, and our own rock.

I’m the only one who can ensure the fulfillment of Me.

It doesn’t mean we can’t wish for a complement, someone who adds to me rather than replacing me in my own needs fulfillment.

Someone who understands you don’t really need them but you want them in your life to actually share a bunch of great things, experiences and feelings.

Someone who doesn’t come from a place of neediness but an independent human who creates something new, with you.

Not for you, but with you.

We live, we learn.

Sometimes we fly, sometimes we fall.

And if we fall again, we always get back up.

Hurt, bruised, broken. Smelling of yet another failure.

But somehow we always pick up the pieces, we bathe to cleanse our deepest wounds, and bring the pieces back together.

In a different way.

A different masterpiece.

Flawed and chipped.

It’s still a masterpiece.

But what if we fly?

What if?

IN—TE-GRI-TY. I N T E G R I T Y.
It feels like such an expensive word nowadays.
It used to mean something.
It seems like an outdated word or feeling, or way of life, falling in such disuse that the ones who actually still own it are the weird ones.
Is it really so hard to understand its meaning?
Is it really that hard to live by it?
I understand the thin line between ETHICS – and INTEGRITY – and what needs to be done in order to get the job done.
Even so… even when the job needs to get done, there are so many ways to do it that resonate with a glimpse of RESPECT.
And Integrity.
No one is perfect.
We all know the diference between claiming it and actually walking the talk. It’s putting your money where your mouth is.
How often do we do it?
How often are we even aware of the discrepancy in these opposite sides?
We may not be saints, but for sure, we can be better at UNDERSTANDING, LISTENING and positioning ourselves in a non-bias way.
In such a way that we don’t turn reality into a circus.
In such a way that we RESPECT those around us as HUMAN BEINGS and give a bit more of our LOYALTY, especially to those who believe in us.
In such a way that we ask ourselves a simple, clear and objective question: would I like it if someone did this to me? Would I like it if I was “handled” like this? We’re all lacking a bit more EMPATHY, a bit more in-depth vision, and a lot more SELF-AWARENESS.
In the end, we all settle with the typical, all truth speaking:
it is what it is.

#myblog #loveandeverydayaffairs #livelife #lifeblog #daydreamer #dreambigprincess #love #yinyang #change #startagain #beyourself #befree #keepsmiling #respect #shineon #dreamscomeinsmallsteps #trusttheprocess #believe #personalblog #emotion #intense #madewithlove #connection #mindfulness #awareness #overthinker #bepresent #energy #authenticity #bereal

Ever since this covid situation started, I haven’t been able to write.

Not because I don’t have the time, but because I don’t know what to say. Or better yet, I don´t know how to say it. I feel empty, drained, lost for words while a million thoughts per second travel through my mind.

I have avoided saying it out loud as it feels like I’m complaining and I hate complaining as a generic habit. It´s the battle between what I know and how I feel. It’s hiding these feelings under thick layers of smiles all the time. I allow myself to feel them but not talk about them.

Because at the end of the day, I really can’t complain. I’m aware of that and it’s literally what keeps me going. It´s focusing on what I do have rather than what I lack. It´s adopting an abundance mindset rather than scarcity one.

Obviously, the concept itself of abundance and scarcity are subjective all the way, having different meanings for different people. As do happy/unhappy, fulfilled/frustrated and so many other dichotomies that try to portray human emotions. It’s all about making the decision of seeing the cup half full or half empty. It requires awareness and work but at the end of the day it makes so much difference on how you manage your life on a daily basis.

Covid has made me lose my job in Dubai. With that, I gave up my apartment and rented a room. I started working on a commission based only scheme trusting it would go well. It didn´t.

After six months of not working or working without getting paid, I got another job which I loved very much, in my favorite place in Dubai. And still I left Dubai to come back to my home country. I was at a point in which, though I could see the good, I couldn’t take the financial pressure and the frustration of not having my own space. That, alongside family reasons, made me make the move. I wasn´t coping anymore and not being able to manage. So, I decided to leave and abandon everything I had built over the past six years not seeing the possibilities ahead. I was focusing on what I had lost and not on what I could build again. I was tired, drained, lonely, empty, and scared. It was my breaking point.

I thought I could be more useful to my family and friends back home. I thought I could be more of a service here than there. I´ve been in Lisbon since January and I still regret not having had that extra bit of resilience, of trust and belief in myself to build again. I thought I couldn’t do it again alone and from scratch. I could only see the heartbreak, the failure, the tiredness, the pain, the loss. I was a bucket full of lost hope, defeat and broken will.

Then, out of the blue, I received a job offer in Lisbon. Well paid, in my field, and it would allow me to grow professionally and personally. Suddenly, leaving was an opportunity and not a “give-up” decision. There was a specific reason for me to come home. But I felt like I was leaving home. Dubai was home for me. It was freedom and independence.

Once I made up my mind, there was no turning back.

I arrived in Lisbon at the perfect timing… just in time for winter, a cold wind peak and a second quarantine in Portugal. Also, in time for major weight gain while stuck at home during wintertime.

This second quarantine led to the job offer withdrawal. I see myself without a job and back to zero. Panic and fear installed. My core was shaken again – financial independence is my highest priority. If I can´t provide for myself, no one else will. It’s how I validate myself – through my job and my financial security.

As for another miracle, another job offer came in. It wasn’t a well paid job, it wasn’t challenging, I was not going to use my skillset… it was like reverting 20 years. 

From there on, my challenge has been to adjust and understand my job doesn’t define me, my weight doesn’t define me, my past doesn’t define me. However, who I am is a mix of all of those: flawed, imperfect, not as I idealized them. Life isn’t made of what we wish for, it’s what we get. And it’s what we do with it. I think things unfolded like this for a reason which is beyond my comprehension. I’m not planning to go back to Dubai, however I don´t say NO to the future, wherever it may lead me. I take the learning of being in the present moment. Living one day at the time is now what fuels me to keep calm and centered. I didn’t want to meet anyone to avoid feeling judged on my weight, on my job… I wanted to avoid being seen as a wreck and a loser. Until I decided to do the work again. It’s not about the others. It’s about how I see myself. And while I see myself empty, I will be empty. And it´s enough. I have no reason for feeling like this. This is where I kick myself to come around and remember I’m privileged to have my own space, a job that provides enough, family and friends. And most of all… I´m alive, healthy and my body moves on its own with no need of artificial aid in any way.

Yes, I miss a ton of things. Especially the beach. How easy and accessible everything was. I miss the travels, the social life, and the quietness when I needed it.

Here, everything always seems a bit more difficult. Traffic, bureaucracy, heavy taxes. I feel like time is running out and I don’t have the means to ever succeed in this reality. 

But this time I´m not running. If I go somewhere else, it will be for the right reasons. Whether it was the right or the wrong decision, whether I regret it or not, it was the end of a cycle and, necessarily, the beginning of a new one, maybe a long one, on a long haul. I´m (re)learning to enjoy the beauty and the good things my own country has to offer me. I´m finally starting to settle and appreciate it again. I´m so grateful for the amazing experience I had and I´m extremely grateful for the life in me and, God willing, still have ahead with all its world of creation, opportunity, and strength. Everything changes in a heartbeat, for better or worse. So, enjoy. Focus. Breath. Let go of expectations. Let go of what should be. Let go of the why. While your heart is beating, and your brain oxygenated, you´re here. Do what you can. Innovate however you can. So you can look back and say you did your best, and gave it your all. With no regrets.

It’s been 3 months since I’ve returned from Dubai.

Everything was as per the set plan. Until lockdown #2. And then the cookie crumbled and the new reality sinked in.

My Life has been in an unforeseeable pause, in stand by.

I feel like life has been passing me by and I haven’t been able to create the life I had envisioned.

But I (re) discovered life has nothing to do with the place, or the job.

No matter where, or what, if you find a way to still be true to yourself, that’s Life.

It’s all about the people you choose to be with.

It’s all about surrounding yourself with… You.

Growing yourself to do what you believe brings out the best of you.

And sometimes, it doesn’t go as you had seen it. And you take it. You start all over again, maybe with different goals and a different approach.

It takes time to figure out these new goals, to roll out a new strategy.

We want it all and we want it now.

And there’s no such a thing.

Patience, humility, friendship have been key words during this hibernation period.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave “my shelter”. But I am.

#myblog #loveandeverydayaffairs #livelife #lifeblog #daydreamer #authenticity #dreambigprincess #love #yinyang #change #startagain #beyourself #befree #keepsmiling #respect #shineon #dreamscomeinsmallsteps #trusttheprocess #believe #personalblog #emotion #intense #madewithlove #connection #mindfulness #awareness #overthinker #bepresent #energy

“I want to apologize to all the women I have called beautiful before I’ve called them intelligent or brave
I am sorry I made it sound as though
something as simple as what you’re born with is all you have to be proud of
when you have broken mountains with your wit
from now on I will say things like
you are resilient, or you are extraordinary
not because I don’t think you’re beautiful
but because I need you to know
you are more than that”― Rupi Kaur

It’s Woman’s Day!

And as women, don’t we all want to be, and look, beautiful?

Oh yes… being called and acknowledged as beautiful is one of the sweetest compliments a woman can get… we go through whatever lengths we need to make ourselves look beautiful and prevent aging signs.

We can get fake tan, hair, lips, boobs, booty, nails if we want to. We want to enhance our beauty. We install beauty apps to edit our pictures and we learn to pose in a way that makes us look… beautiful.

We want to show the world just how beautiful we are.

It’s quite an interesting paradox, as we don’t trust our own natural beauty but we want our men to find us beautiful just the way we are. To love us at our best and our worse, with no make up, wake up breath, hair down, and even looking pale and white as bleach.

So in a way, are we teaching our men to value us for our beauty? What exactly are we teaching them? Are we the first ones to see ourselves as a beautiful object? Are we the ones valuing ourselves by how good we look?

Because that’s the first priority and it’s how we want to be perceived. It’s how we want to present ourselves, as a validation of who we are, as a sense of self pride. We are submitting ourselves to other people’s judgement of our beauty. Where’s our judgement of our own beauty? And why this incessant need to judge ourselves through our beauty? Why this endless need of judgement at all rather than acceptance?

The paradox goes on… For a woman, beautiful is such a complex and subtle word. In theory, it reflects on the outside how we feel on the inside.

So why do we need to “create” that beauty?

Why don’t we expose the reality of who we are?

Why is it so easy to strip our bodies, but not our souls?

Do we actually believe in the true meaning of beauty?

What is the true meaning of beauty?

Ultimately, it’s whatever it means to You.

For a man (and this is only my vision), beautiful is just another word. Mostly, it’s about how you look. And however, whenever they call us beautiful, we melt as ice under warm water.

So, whose responsibility is it to fall in love with someone simply because they find you beautiful?

Where’s the rest of you?

Where’s the beauty of you, as a whole?

Where’s the beauty of who you are?

And who you are is the summary of your whole life… your values, the challenges you’ve been through, the courage it took to resolve them within yourself, the courage it took to build yourself into the woman you are! And it still takes that courage to be yourself, as you are, every day.

Where in this equation is your brain and the way you think?

The way you see the world, the way you intervene in the world, in your world?

Are we teaching our men to see us under that light?

The light of the strong, determined, intelligent, creative woman we are? And also the light of the fragile, delicate, sensitive, sweet human we are?

It’s all part of such a multilayered Human, in the shape of a woman!

As men are also much more than handsome. When we call them beautiful, we usually mean they’re beautiful from the inside out (I think I speak for most women, hopefully). They too are a complex soul that should be acknowledged and valued by us.

But as women, for us it’s quite an innate and normal process to want to know everything about our man, including his deepest secrets and feelings, and the way they see the world. We want to understand their world. We want the deep end of their minds, even if we can’t swim.

I wouldn’t necessarily say the opposite is true, as a man can go in a superficial relationship for on and on… As long as we’re beautiful and provide the basics, all is well. I guess for some women, that’s true too… it all depends on how we see ourselves first.

So, beautiful is a lovely word that keeps you going.

But not enough to portray how much more there is to explore and See. How much more to understand, or try at least, as often there will be inhabitable corners of a human’s mind. So much more to be part of. And to be proud of.

That’s the quest that makes it worth it.

That’s the journey a woman is worthy of.

That’s the journey you need to find yourself worthy of.

So, please understand Beautiful is indeed a beautiful word.

But far, far, from enough.

If I had to pick a soundtrack to picture “the now”, I’d go with “These are the days of our lives”. Even though those were the days of our lives, when everything was light, easy, simple, fun and you could hear yourself laugh out loud, you need to focus on today. And so these are the days of our lives. Often moments of change bring silence and introspection to acknowledge, digest and overcome the fear, the risk, the nothingness. Moments of resilience to transform the nothingness into something in time. Or maybe it leads nowhere and you go back to where you started. Either way, you took a stand. It doesn’t always go well. If you fall, you’ll know it’s because you decided to walk when you could just stay put. And while you’re doing it, you get to be yourself, with the pride of risking the hard road.
https://youtu.be/UxJ7Kfu3QoE

#myblog #loveandeverydayaffairs #livelife #lifeblog #daydreamer #dreambigprincess #love #yinyang #change #startagain #beyourself #befree #keepsmiling #respect #shineon #dreamscomeinsmallsteps #trusttheprocess #believe #personalblog #emotion #intense #madewithlove #connection #mindfulness #awareness #overthinker #bepresent #energy #authenticity #bereal

It’s a horrible feeling when you get stuck into a cross road and you haven’t got the slightest idea on where to turn to.

You stare at it as if it was blank.

You expect some kind of guidance, some kind of signal… something that allows you to make a decision which you believe is the right one.

You’ve got nothing to hold on to but your health, your family, your loved ones and your friends (and if you’ve got all of this, you already have lots to be grateful for).

When you feel invisible when someone should be able to see you, someone should be able to see your spark, your light, your potential. But they don’t.

So you have to see yourself, and your light, and your potential.

You have to hold on to the vision of your future and your dreams for that glimpse of hope that makes you push through the tears, the loneliness and the disbelief.

You need somehow to find the strength and faith to continue one day at the time. And each day starts with one simple step.

Forward.

#myblog #loveandeverydayaffairs #livelife #lifeblog #daydreamer #dreambigprincess #love #yinyang #change #startagain #beyourself #befree #keepsmiling #respect #shineon #dreamscomeinsmallsteps #trusttheprocess #believe #personalblog #emotion #intense #madewithlove #connection #mindfulness #awareness #overthinker #bepresent #energy #authenticity #bereal