We Cry

Today I read a post on how women cried about not having children.

It occurred to me that in all scenarios, these women were married.

I’m sure their pain is immense.

I found myself relating in so many different ways.

My thoughts drifted to all the women in their 30s, 40s and so on who aren’t even married.

And they cry for it.

They cry for all the failed relationships.

They cry for all the guys who came into their lives to be just another guy rather than a Man.

Rather than The Man.

They cry for the endless love they have to give and it’s held within them.

They cry for the experiences they can’t share with a special one.

They cry for not having kids.

They cry for the loneliness.

They cry for the hopelessness.

They cry because they think they’re broken.

Flawed.

Unworthy.

There’s no other half.

No one is their rock.

There’s no one to lean on.

They become their own rock.

They slowly let go of the heavy load to face everything as lightly as they can.

We all cry. And we all cry for different reasons.

For whatever is lacking in our life that we value as fundamental.

Women cry a lot.

That’s how they cleanse.

That’s how they release emotions.

But we don’t only cry. And we don’t cry all the time.

We also laugh. We smile. We wander.

We hope for a sudden magical twist to lead us towards the rest of our life.

We know we’re building our lives as we go.

Bad decisions, good decisions.

They all build us.

Make us stronger. Happier. Hopeful.

We have no other choice but to believe.

We have no other choice but to believe in ourselves when no one else does.

No other choice other than to keep smiling and moving forward.

For the sake of our sanity.

For the sake of our soul.

For the sake of who we are.

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How do You Know?

Huhhhh… have you ever felt like this or is it just me? 😅

Why do they have to say everything you want to hear and act as if they’re really trying hard to get you?

They are fully in it, they look you in the eye, they do anything to get your attention and commitment.

Until you actually make them a priority. Until you decide you actually care for them and are willing to try.

That’s the day they change.

That’s the day when it all becomes too much.

The silence starts.

The excuses begin.

It doesn’t matter what they said or what they’ve done to ensure you’d see yourself with them.

They build it.

The image, the environment, the feeling of trust and connection. The expectation.

When you finally believe it… you are critiqued because you’re all in.

Is it completely irrelevant they created the idea of “all in”?

How could you tell it was a lie?

How would you know it was a fake when it made you feel so good?

You start questioning yourself…

Did you imagine everything that’s been said and done?

Did you dream it?

So then, it’s your fault for wanting too much.

Too much pressure all of the sudden.

Silence. Distance.

The worst of all, indifference.

That person who went on and beyond to make you see them, connect with them… is now a perfect stranger.

So it all starts over.

Ctrl, Alt, Del. Restart.

Turn into a computer to delete the words.

Erase the actions.

Pretend it never happened.

Make it meaningless.

How easy is that?

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The Love I deserve

If Love isn’t supposed to be intense, then what is?

Out of all the feelings, Love is definitely the strongest, the silliest and the one that makes you shake the most… literally.

Your legs shake, your hands sweat, the butterflies in your belly, the electricity, the lack of reasoning, the trembled words… yes… it’s the most intense of all.

But still it’s the one everyone tries to tone down.

As it’s too intense.

So maybe we can only all “like” each other and keep ourselves “reasonably” safe, rather than falling in love and flying.

I’m sorry. I Love.

I want to Love.

Especially if I’m given reasons for it.

Apologies for the inconvenience.

One day someone will be as crazy as me, with me.

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The Season

Welcome to the season❣️

The season of Love, Family, togetherness.

And how ironic it is that it’s also the season of family drama and pain you don’t want to face.

Because everything looks so perfect.

And yet, families broken apart, absent loved ones, cut ties, make it one of the most painful seasons ever.

You see Love all around the surface that surrounds you.

But deep down, the hidden pictures in your brain, the ugly unspoken truths, unsettle your restless mind.

The loneliness, the wishful thinking that hasn’t materialized, the human fragilities all emerge in invisible silence.

You take whatever you can get.

It’s not perfect but in the end, if you have someone in your family whom you want to spend time during the holidays, do it.

You only realize how much you miss them when you can’t be around them.

Particularly in Christmas.

Regardless of all the peculiarities of the season, for me, it’s still a magical season.

So, I do make my own Christmas tree.

It comforts me somehow.

It quiets me gently in trusting that something good will follow.

It’s like it impersonates some kind of good will and hope.

So I go with it.

And I make it a point of always having my little bit of private Christmas Time.

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Control Your Emotions

“Control your emotions”… emotions are those little bastards that mostly lead you into wrong decisions or wrong ways to deal with the consequences of those wrong decisions.

However… we are not robots and we feel.

A lot.

All the time.

It’s tiring and self-consuming.

Hence, controlling them is actually an act of self-love and self-preservation.

Avoiding them though will only make them stay longer deep within your soul.

Pretending you’re happy all the time won’t bring you the happiness you’re looking for.

Being positive and pretending to be happy all the time are two different things.

You can be in a state of unhappiness, of difficult times, but understanding and hoping that it will get better.

If you’re pretending to be happy all the time, when will you deal with with those emotions?

When will you acknowledge them and identify them?

You’ll only be building a think layer of inner conflict.

Allow yourself to feel. Deeply.

Don’t ignore those inner triggers.

Instead, work on them.

Use them to identify what and who you want to BE.

Use them to know yourself.

Bring them to the surface so you can make them lighter and easier to carry.

Co-exist with them, reserve them a place in your brain.

Otherwise, they’ll become heavier, harder to decode and needlessly weighting you down with no apparent explanation and before you know it, it’s slowly destroying you.

Integrate them with the bright light shit and move on, knowing that there’s a place for every emotion.

Do your work.

Grow with it.

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Ok vs Not ok

There’s a huge difference between fighting for someone who loves you or fighting for someone to love you!

Fighting for someone who loves you implies reciprocal love.

It’s real.

The feeling is there.

And you know it.

This kind of Love is so rare these days, I’d fight for it with all my heart.

I’d go till the end of the earth.

But… If it’s not mutual, then what exactly would I be fighting for?

For someone who doesn’t love me… I can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to be loved by me.

Maybe he’s willing to give his love to someone, but not to me.

And therefore, I can’t make him fall in love with me by fighting for him.

Just because I want him to love me.

That’s not fighting for him.

That’s fighting for something that isn’t real.

Subtle but strong difference.

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Want You

It’s hard work to put it to practice.

And even more since I can’t really define what it means to “want you”.

Especially when opposed to “want Him” or “want something”.

And even more when you loose track of yourself in the name of chasing something you believe in.

I respect going after what you want.

I respect chasing what feels true to your heart.

But I’m for chasing whatever feels right.

I mean fighting for someone, for instance. You can fight if there’s a margin for it.

Understanding and tolerance, yes.

Being there for support, absolutely.

But if that person is kicking you out, what else will you do?

Crawl at their feet to be stepped on?

So this is where I draw my thin line of love for other and love for myself.

I also think Love doesn’t make you beg.

It’s there to be given, appreciated and received by whom ever is ready for it.

It’s not meant to block you.

It’s not meant to play you.

On that note, I guess that’s what it means to “want you”.

When you become more than the victim, than the unhappy one, than the one longing for someone to make you happy.

No one can make you happy.

If you’re not your full self, there’s always something that will make you distrust, and therefore, not happy.

Let go of the frustration, of the fear of uncertainty.

Make the conscious effort to step away from what makes you feel small.

Own yourself more than you want to own anything else.

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