Dubai – Lisbon: one way ticket

Ever since this covid situation started, I haven’t been able to write.

Not because I don’t have the time, but because I don’t know what to say. Or better yet, I don´t know how to say it. I feel empty, drained, lost for words while a million thoughts per second travel through my mind.

I have avoided saying it out loud as it feels like I’m complaining and I hate complaining as a generic habit. It´s the battle between what I know and how I feel. It’s hiding these feelings under thick layers of smiles all the time. I allow myself to feel them but not talk about them.

Because at the end of the day, I really can’t complain. I’m aware of that and it’s literally what keeps me going. It´s focusing on what I do have rather than what I lack. It´s adopting the abundance mindset rather than the scarcity mindset. 

Obviously, the concept itself of abundance and scarcity are subjective all the way, having different meanings for different people. As do happy/unhappy, fulfilled/frustrated as so many other dichotomies that try to portray human emotions. It’s all about making the decision of seeing the cup half full or half empty. It requires awareness and work but at the end of the day it makes so much difference on how you manage your life on a day-to-day basis.

Covid has made me lose my job in Dubai. With that, I gave up my apartment and rented a room. I started working on a commission based only scheme trusting it would go well. It didn´t.

After six months of not working or working without getting paid, I got another job which I loved very much, in my favorite place in Dubai. And still I left Dubai to come back to my home country. I was at a point in which, though I could see the good, I couldn’t take the financial pressure and the frustration of not having my own space. That, alongside family reasons, made make the move. I wasn´t coping anymore and not being able to manage. So, I decided to leave and abandon everything I had built over the past six years not seeing the possibilities ahead. I was focusing on what I had lost and not on what I could build again. I was tired, drained, lonely, empty, and scared. It was my breaking point.

I thought I could be more useful to my family and friends back home. I thought I could be more of a service here than there. I´ve been in Lisbon since January and I still regret not having had that extra bit of resilience, of trust and belief in myself to build again. I thought I couldn’t do it again alone and from scratch. I could only see the heartbreak, the failure, the tiredness, the pain, the loss. I was a bucket full of lost hope, defeat and broken will.

Then, out of the blue, I received a job offer in Lisbon. Well paid, in my field, and it would allow me to grow professionally and personally. Suddenly, leaving was an opportunity and not a “give-up” decision. There was a specific reason for me to come home. But I felt like I was leaving home. Dubai was home for me. It was freedom and independence.

Once I made up my mind, there was no turning back.

I arrived in Lisbon at the perfect timing… just in time for winter, a cold wind peak and a second quarantine in Portugal. Also, in time for major weight gain while stuck at home during wintertime.

This second quarantine led to the job offer withdrawal. I see myself without a job and back to zero. Panic and fear installed. My core was shaken again – financial independence is my highest priority. If I can´t provide for myself, no one else will. It’s how I validate myself – through my job and my financial security.

As for another miracle, another job offer came in. It wasn’t a well paid job, it wasn’t challenging, I was not going to use my skillset… it was like reverting 20 years. 

From there on, my challenge has been to adjust and understand my job doesn’t define me, my weight doesn’t define me, my past doesn’t define me. However, who I am is a mix of all of those: flawed, imperfect, not as I idealized them. Life isn’t made of what we wish for, it’s what we get. And it’s what we do with it. I think things unfolded like this for a reason which is beyond my comprehension. I’m not planning to go back to Dubai, however I don´t say NO to the future, wherever it leads me. I take the learning of being in the present moment, living one day at the time is now what fuels me to keep calm and centered. I didn’t want to meet anyone to avoid feeling judged on my weight, on my job… I wanted to avoid being seen as a wreck and a loser. Until I decided to do the work again. It’s not about the others. It’s about how I see myself. And while I see myself empty, I will be empty. And it´s enough. I have no reason for feeling like this. This is where I kick myself to come around and remember I’m privileged to have my own space, a job that provides enough, family and friends. And most of all… I´m alive, healthy and my body moves on its own with no need of artificial aid in any way.

Yes, I miss a ton of things. Especially the beach. How easy and accessible everything was. I miss the travels, the social life, and the quietness when I needed it.

Here, everything always seems a bit more difficult. Traffic, bureaucracy, heavy taxes. I feel like time is running out and I don’t have the means to ever succeed in this reality. 

But this time I´m not running. If I go somewhere else, it will be for the right reasons. Whether it was the right or the wrong decision, whether I regret it or not, it was the end of a cycle and, necessarily, the beginning of a new one, maybe a long one, on a long haul. I´m (re)learning to enjoy the beauty and the good things my own country has to offer me. I´m finally starting to settle and appreciate it again. I´m so grateful for the amazing experience I had and I´m so extremely grateful for the life in me and, God willing, still have ahead with all its world of creation, opportunity, and strength. Everything changes in a heartbeat, for better or worse. So, enjoy. Focus. Breath. Let go of expectations. Let go of what should be. Let go of the why. While your heart is beating, and your brain oxygenated, you´re here. Do what you can. Innovate however you can. So you can look back and say you did your best, and gave it your all. With no regrets.

It will get better.

It’s been 3 months since I’ve returned from Dubai.

Everything was as per the set plan. Until lockdown #2. And then the cookie crumbled and the new reality sinked in.

My Life has been in an unforeseeable pause, in stand by.

I feel like life has been passing me by and I haven’t been able to create the life I had envisioned.

But I (re) discovered life has nothing to do with the place, or the job.

No matter where, or what, if you find a way to still be true to yourself, that’s Life.

It’s all about the people you choose to be with.

It’s all about surrounding yourself with… You.

Growing yourself to do what you believe brings out the best of you.

And sometimes, it doesn’t go as you had seen it. And you take it. You start all over again, maybe with different goals and a different approach.

It takes time to figure out these new goals, to roll out a new strategy.

We want it all and we want it now.

And there’s no such a thing.

Patience, humility, friendship have been key words during this hibernation period.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave “my shelter”. But I am.

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You’re Beautiful!

“I want to apologize to all the women I have called beautiful before I’ve called them intelligent or brave
I am sorry I made it sound as though
something as simple as what you’re born with is all you have to be proud of
when you have broken mountains with your wit
from now on I will say things like
you are resilient, or you are extraordinary
not because I don’t think you’re beautiful
but because I need you to know
you are more than that”― Rupi Kaur

It’s Woman’s Day!

And as women, don’t we all want to be, and look, beautiful?

Oh yes… being called and acknowledged as beautiful is one of the sweetest compliments a woman can get… we go through whatever lengths we need to make ourselves look beautiful and prevent aging signs.

We can get fake tan, hair, lips, boobs, booty, nails if we want to. We want to enhance our beauty. We install beauty apps to edit our pictures and we learn to pose in a way that makes us look… beautiful.

We want to show the world just how beautiful we are.

It’s quite an interesting paradox, as we don’t trust our own natural beauty but we want our men to find us beautiful just the way we are. To love us at our best and our worse, with no make up, wake up breath, hair down, and even looking pale and white as bleach.

So in a way, are we teaching our men to value us for our beauty? What exactly are we teaching them? Are we the first ones to see ourselves as a beautiful object? Are we the ones valuing ourselves by how good we look?

Because that’s the first priority and it’s how we want to be perceived. It’s how we want to present ourselves, as a validation of who we are, as a sense of self pride. We are submitting ourselves to other people’s judgement of our beauty. Where’s our judgement of our own beauty? And why this incessant need to judge ourselves through our beauty? Why this endless need of judgement at all rather than acceptance?

The paradox goes on… For a woman, beautiful is such a complex and subtle word. In theory, it reflects on the outside how we feel on the inside.

So why do we need to “create” that beauty?

Why don’t we expose the reality of who we are?

Why is it so easy to strip our bodies, but not our souls?

Do we actually believe in the true meaning of beauty?

What is the true meaning of beauty?

Ultimately, it’s whatever it means to You.

For a man (and this is only my vision), beautiful is just another word. Mostly, it’s about how you look. And however, whenever they call us beautiful, we melt as ice under warm water.

So, whose responsibility is it to fall in love with someone simply because they find you beautiful?

Where’s the rest of you?

Where’s the beauty of you, as a whole?

Where’s the beauty of who you are?

And who you are is the summary of your whole life… your values, the challenges you’ve been through, the courage it took to resolve them within yourself, the courage it took to build yourself into the woman you are! And it still takes that courage to be yourself, as you are, every day.

Where in this equation is your brain and the way you think?

The way you see the world, the way you intervene in the world, in your world?

Are we teaching our men to see us under that light?

The light of the strong, determined, intelligent, creative woman we are? And also the light of the fragile, delicate, sensitive, sweet human we are?

It’s all part of such a multilayered Human, in the shape of a woman!

As men are also much more than handsome. When we call them beautiful, we usually mean they’re beautiful from the inside out (I think I speak for most women, hopefully). They too are a complex soul that should be acknowledged and valued by us.

But as women, for us it’s quite an innate and normal process to want to know everything about our man, including his deepest secrets and feelings, and the way they see the world. We want to understand their world. We want the deep end of their minds, even if we can’t swim.

I wouldn’t necessarily say the opposite is true, as a man can go in a superficial relationship for on and on… As long as we’re beautiful and provide the basics, all is well. I guess for some women, that’s true too… it all depends on how we see ourselves first.

So, beautiful is a lovely word that keeps you going.

But not enough to portray how much more there is to explore and See. How much more to understand, or try at least, as often there will be inhabitable corners of a human’s mind. So much more to be part of. And to be proud of.

That’s the quest that makes it worth it.

That’s the journey a woman is worthy of.

That’s the journey you need to find yourself worthy of.

So, please understand Beautiful is indeed a beautiful word.

But far, far, from enough.

Those Days vs These Days

If I had to pick a soundtrack to picture “the now”, I’d go with “These are the days of our lives”. Even though those were the days of our lives, when everything was light, easy, simple, fun and you could hear yourself laugh out loud, you need to focus on today. And so these are the days of our lives. Often moments of change bring silence and introspection to acknowledge, digest and overcome the fear, the risk, the nothingness. Moments of resilience to transform the nothingness into something in time. Or maybe it leads nowhere and you go back to where you started. Either way, you took a stand. It doesn’t always go well. If you fall, you’ll know it’s because you decided to walk when you could just stay put. And while you’re doing it, you get to be yourself, with the pride of risking the hard road.
https://youtu.be/UxJ7Kfu3QoE

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Don’t let it be you

It’s a horrible feeling when you get stuck into a cross road and you haven’t got the slightest idea on where to turn to.

You stare at it as if it was blank.

You expect some kind of guidance, some kind of signal… something that allows you to make a decision which you believe is the right one.

You’ve got nothing to hold on to but your health, your family, your loved ones and your friends (and if you’ve got all of this, you already have lots to be grateful for).

When you feel invisible when someone should be able to see you, someone should be able to see your spark, your light, your potential. But they don’t.

So you have to see yourself, and your light, and your potential.

You have to hold on to the vision of your future and your dreams for that glimpse of hope that makes you push through the tears, the loneliness and the disbelief.

You need somehow to find the strength and faith to continue one day at the time. And each day starts with one simple step.

Forward.

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Half of Everything

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could see everyone by their whole being?

Or would it be too overwhelming and become almost dangerous if we could see not only everyone’s full beauty but also everyone’s full shadows?

When we can barely “see” our own wholeness?

When we can barely deal with it in a healthy way?

I like to think we can see the better half… but I know the rest is there.

It’s a matter of someone wanting to show that other half and us wanting to uncover it.

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Ground Yourself.

The uncertainty takes your breath away.

In a bad way.

You’re breathing but not really inhaling and exhaling.

It’s the body doing its physical ability to breath.

It’s never the deep breath, the one that sighs your relief.

It’s the hole just beneath the stomach that even though it’s not evident, it keeps subtly reminding you it’s always there.

And every now and then you become aware of everything your body is telling you, so you try and quiet it down.

You sink in the fact you’re still alive and your body is healthy and continuing their vital functions on its own.

You remember that there are still good people who do good for no reason.

Who have simple but kind gestures, helping within their reach with no expectation of receiving anything back (as I’ve recently had evidence of).

You appreciate those people.

You appreciate the simplicity.

You appreciate the kindness, especially when unsolicited.


You know sooner or later it will all be well again but until then it’s just an unspoken pain and hidden fear.

It’s the primal instinct that lies with the need for control of the basic needs.

You need to ground yourself to call on the certainty of the right thing at the right time, for the right reason, for the good your higher self.

You ground yourself in order to let go.

You get your feet deep in the sand as a reminder that it’s your journey and the lessons that karma, for some reason, wants you to learn.

You ground yourself so that you can fly.

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Twist. Turn. Improvise.

Twist.

Turn.

Improvise.

Life demands it.

When life pulls up a few tricks, you have no other option but to adjust.

You’ll have to twist and flex as per the events around you.

Which way should you turn?

How can you improvise?

What skills do you have that can help you finding a new path?

Your path?!

In what way can you make yourself useful? To others? To yourself?

By being of service to others, we’re of service to ourselves.

By helping others, we help ourselves.

By loving others, we love ourselves.

And when we love ourselves… we go through the process.

We fall, we cry… and we get back up, and keep walking.

Even if we don’t know where to.

In the meantime, heal… heal with sun, sea, friends.

We heal on an unknown path.

We understand we can take on the world.

And maybe we can change it.

One person at the time.

Starting with ourselves.

#loveandeverydayaffairs #livelife #lifeblog #daydreamer #authenticity #dreambigprincess #love #yinyang #change #startagain #beyourself #befree #keepsmiling #respect #shineon #dreamscomeinsmallsteps #trusttheprocess #believe #personalblog #emotion #intense #madewithlove #connection #mindfulness #awareness #bereal #overthinker #bepresent #energy #myblog

How do you know?

The way a Man handles the adversities Life throws at him says a lot about who he is, especially in a relationship.

He can either crawl into his cave and just stay there, pushing away the people who love them the most, creating doubt, fear, insecurity, or they can bring their loved one to stay with him in the cave.

They understand no one can fix their issue but themselves.

But they share their pain, their fear, their tears.

They prefer having you close by to listen, to connect, to just be there.

That’s priceless.

That’s when you know he’s a grown Man.

A Man who knows where he stands and has clear ideas on what he wants from Life and Love.

Someone who assures you that you matter even in his times of storm.

When even amidst his hell, he leaves no room for you to question your presence, making it a point you’re not a burden or unnecessary weight.

Someone who is clear in communicating his thoughts.

That’s maturity.

That’s what shows you without a shadow of a doubt he’s a keeper.

That’s what makes you want to stay.

Because even with every reason to shut down and crash, to cut you lose due to his inability to handle stress or juggling too much at the same time… he will not let you go.

That’s how you know it’s Love.

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Intended Existence

Beauty and Humanity are in the eye of the beholder.

Perfection takes on many different shapes and forms.

As many as you wish to see in each Human Being.

Feelings, thoughts, ideas, experiences…

Love knows no boundaries, no skin color, no limited language.

The harmony of Love is in the black, in the white, in everything together.

Shame on those who can’t appreciate the beauty of Humanity in its whole.

Existence is the proof of intended diversity.

#blackouttuesday #unitedcoloursofbenetton #united #speakyourheart #beyourself #love #standforwhatyoubelievein #notoracism #quietrevolution