I was recently challenged to define/describe what a relationship is made of.
I pointed out Presence as a must.
Then I was asked what Presence in a relationship means to me.
We were trying to dissect what makes a relationship, which in itself, is a concept.
However, what is that concept made of?
What exactly builds it into a relationship?
What makes Presence?
How does it transition from theory to practice?
I thought I had it at the tip of my tongue.
Except I didn’t!
So I started thinking.
Physical presence.
Does the beloved other half have to always be physically there? No.
Spiritual presence.
Is that enough? No.
So, what kind of Presence then?
What does a present husband/boyfriend look like?
How do I identify if it matches my understanding of being Present?
If I see it, how do I describe it?
I do believe in physical presence. Support.
But AI is strongly coming in and I personally don’t want a robot replacing skin on skin. However, even if it’s two real people and one is a human robot, I’m not satisfied either.
So there needs to be physical and spiritual presence. It reflects a connection between the body, mind and soul.
On the other hand, is a spiritual connection enough on its own? No. I find I love everything that comes with the body sheltering the soul.
On the practical side, I see a bunch of simple actions, more than meandering in my own thoughts trying to define a notion.
Here’s what I’d value if I was in a relationship, starting with the tiniest of things.
- A simple good morning message. Kisses, hugs, thinking of you. Xoxo. Profoundly basic. But sweet when done genuinely.
- How’s your day looking? Again. Profoundly basic.
- I’d love to spend time with you today. How’s your schedule looking? And then, make the time for me. Put your money where your mouth is. Do not leave me hanging because something came up.
- Prioritize. Sometimes, in his busy like, I want to be priority. It doesn’t have to be long text conversations, I prefer face to face conversations. But a touch base message never lets you down.
- He’s the first person I want to share something with and I’m the first person he wants to share something with. There’s a real engagement and concern when sharing and listening. You’re not there to fix it. Just to listen and hug me. And wipe my tears if needed.
- Meeting family and friends. It shows reciprocity and intentions. If you mean it and are in it, you don’t hide. Quite the opposite.
- Be there in the good and in the bad times. Be someone with whom to laugh and cry with. Be someone whom to chill with and whom to go out and party with.
- Be involved in the little tasks I hate doing: filing up the car gas tank, take it for servicing and inspection. Boring stuff.
- Cooking for each other. Sharing. Pampering. Loving. No more words needed.
- Preparing tiny surprises, almost meaningless. But they do have a meaning. Even if it’s just symbolic.
- Rituals. Your alone time together. It builds complicity, confidence, trust and fun.
- Traveling together. Here’s when you see each other happy, stressed, frustrated or in awe. The good and the bad side.
- Commit to get to know that person. Spending time is most effective way to do it.
- Commit to engage in the difficult conversations without running away.
- Choose to be vulnerable and honest in your intentions.
- Commit to fixing it.
- Choose to balance between giving and taking. Choose to be you, allowing him to be him, and understanding there’s a space for each of you and a space for you as a couple. Understand there’s an “I” (also applicable to him) and there’s an “US”.
- Feed the romance on a regular basis, especially when it becomes “normal”. Play, have fun, laugh, release your spicier side for no reason, knowing it’s a no judgement zone. This is how the relationship grows.
- Fight for your reason why. Why you got together. Relationships are hard to build nowadays and easy to break. Be aware of what brought you there. And push if it’s what you really want instead of giving up because it’s too much of a hassle.
- Always always listen. To try and understand rather than to reply. Empathy. How would you feel if it was the other way around?
If it’s a husband and wife, it’s all the above plus about sharing the family, providing for them both financially and emotionally.
- Sharing the household responsibilities: kids daily routine, food preparation, cleaning. Both have to be involved. It’s not a one way street.
- Make time for the couple, away from the responsibilities. Here’s where a support structure can help: grandparents, uncles and aunts, best friends, who can get the kids for one night?
- Be strong and steady when shit hits the fan. The boat may rock but work together to not let it sink. There’s a reason why you chose to be together and have kids together. Always come back to your reason why. And if both want to, you’ll get it.
If I had to summarize:
Communicate.
Knowing that neither of you is perfect.
Knowing both have insecurities.
And also knowing that those insecurities are not a weak spot, because you’re safe and your partner wouldn’t use them as a weapon.
To the partner: if you know their insecurities, just be reassuring instead of defensive or avoidant. When thinking Fight or Fly, just stay there. Listen. Allow tempers to cool. And when you’re both ready, get back on it.
If you find your partner to judge you and/or your insecurities instead of trying to understand, maybe you need to think if they’re really there for you (which brings us back to: what is Presence).
Also, maybe you can consider reaching out for help to understand yourself and acknowledging your own insecurities while trying to strengthening through them.
So you guys can meet half way.
So both your actions can always speak louder than your words.
Behave accordingly.
It looks and sounds simple enough.
So why isn’t it?
Love and Everyday Affairs 