Do you ever find yourself thinking how many different ‘personalities’ you can have?
Well I do! I astonish myself with how sweet, bubbly, understanding and warm I can be but under certain circumstances, I changed. And I became someone I didn’t like being.
I became the complete opposite of my usual self. It didn’t happen often but when it did… I didn’t recognize myself…
It was like a shadow over me, turning me into the dark side of me.
I started trying to analyze what had happened to make my feel like that… I came to the conclusion that the few times this happened, I was kind of lost… ok, very lost, let’s get real. I didn’t know what to do with my life, every single decision I made was wrong. This made me so anxious. I couldn’t even sleep.
I questioned everything, including my stay in Dubai.
I was super sensitive with way too much energy flowing in both my body and my brain, not knowing exactly how to manage it.
It seemed so strong, I felt I couldn’t really contain it and I got desperate trying to get it out of my system.
I felt permanently wired to electricity but so tired at the same time and not being able to rest and sleep. My friends were all on vacation on top of it all and I felt lonely.
For the first time in my life I thought I was going crazy and would lose my grip.
I couldn’t focus on anything except that horrible flow of energy feeling so different from the one I was used to. I was mostly in a bad mood and in a bad place which I couldn’t recognize and crawl out of.
This was completely new to me.
Everything bothered me… and I’m a really easy going person. My mind was so heavy.
That was not me and I didn’t know what to do. I was rock bottom in my own way.
As time went by, this dark cloud of mine was passing too. And I was starting to feel better.
As my friends were returning from vacation, my routine was settling back.
I was falling back into place as well. Everything in me started slowing down.
Then I met someone. Then I had a heartbreak. Then I recovered.
I dedicated the remaining time of 2017 to picking up my pieces and processing a whole year of adventures and yet not much progress.
As I worked through this, 2018 came in.
And I had promised that I would close 2017 exactly where it was… in the past.
When I came to terms with this decision, it seemed everything was just as it should be.
And I could finally take a deep breath because I felt like Me again.
I started writing my blog and Facebook page. Not to get many followers or Likes (I was never that much into social media) but I needed to “say out loud” whatever I was thinking.
It’s my way of speaking my mind to the world.
I’m happy to be back to my usual bubbly, easy going personality. I’m finally laughing again with simple stuff.
I can believe again in a bright future, with or without Prince Charming.
It will be My future anyway.
It’s easier said than done and sometimes you’re not able to see the future in such a bright way just because you want to. Sometimes something pulls you down and you lack the strength to see and think beyond. But I can tell you… that feeling will go away.
Don’t let it eat you away. Embrace it. We are humans, not robots.
We are made of emotions and they can either take us to an ecstatic heaven or fiery hell. And they are both part of us. That’s what my dark side taught me.
It showed me the full reality of Me. And now I know what I’m capable of, both in a good and a bad way. From now on, it’s my choice and I feel much more conscious of who I want to be.
Had I not go through it, I would still not know that side of me.
And getting to know the worst of me has actually made me value the best of me.