Is this IT?

I’ve been wondering these past few days about my weekly routine… It’s comfortable, predictable and safe. I can pretty much summarize it in 3 words… work, gym, home. With all the good that comes with each one of them, I always anticipate the weekend, where I know I’ll go out… might be just going to the beach, going out to a club, having wine at home. I know I’ll have people I love around.

However, it’s impossible for me not to think deep down… Is this all there is to my life? Is this what I’m here for? Because this routine works for now, but how about when I’m old? No one to share my life with… no kids, no legacy… You leave this world leaving nothing behind.

I spent a year looking for Love, looking for the ‘other half of me’ because I wanted to know I wouldn’t end up alone in the world. You feel incomplete, as if something is missing. Something is not right, it’s not as it should be. You feel it deep within you for no reason. You feel you have not reached the full extension of you while you don’t have a life partner to do all of the things you dreamed of doing… because everything gets easier when you have unconditional love and support. The world is made for two, not one… One becomes a very lonely feeling when you think of it as in… forever…until you die.

This fear consumed me. Being scared drained my happiness, my soul, and my hope in a bright, promising future.

So this thinking starts building and developing in a million different thoughts which you want to let go of but can’t ever completely dissipate.

You blame it on society with its rules and ‘should be’, ‘must be’… by this age you should be married, having kids, being successful in your career… Well, guess what… I’m none of those… at least not up to my own standard.

(Someone told me I was too harsh on myself… maybe I am… One always thinks to be too much or too less of something. It’s hard to embrace all of your beautiful mess.)

Anyway, as I was saying… I spent a year looking for Love as if it’s something that you can find. Maybe I looked in all the wrong places but the fact is… I didn’t find it. Far from it. And even worse, I thought I did but didn’t… that’s a different story to tell.

So, by the end of the year, you get to the typical New Year’s resolutions… and I vowed for none.

I did have an ‘A-ha- moment’… I was so exhausted of searching for Love… looking for my prince charming… or frog… (one never really knows!) And luckily something happened in my brain and I made the decision of not waiting for my Other Half to be all that I can be. I AM all of ME. I have no choice but to be all of myself, by myself and for myself. Yes, I would love to get married and have my own family… How happy would my family and friends be? How happy would I be?

I can’t live my life by society’s expectation of ‘what should be’… I was taught ‘how it should be’… but I can’t live by those rules, as I don’t get a say in it. I cannot force anyone into falling in love with the magical me… But I can force myself into being me, with or without the magic. It’s hard to put on a big smile when you don’t feel like. It’s hard going out when you just want to lock yourself at home. But at the end of the day, I do need the bright and shiny side of myself.

I can’t look for something that can’t be found… If it ever happens (I’m still the daydreamer believing it will happen, don’t get me wrong!), it will have to find me. It’s not something you can snap your fingers and say… I’ll make it happen. That might work for everything else, especially if you’re a problem solver.

But I did snap my fingers and said… I’ll be the best that I can be. I don’t know for how long I can keep it up… But I can surely try.

And about this I say… I’ll make it happen.

is this it

What makes us Happy?

I find myself meandering in my own world of useless thoughts… often!

And most times I’m thinking what am I missing? The obvious thought always takes me to a place where I feel a bit incomplete, something is not quite as I wished it would be.
So then I think of everything that does
make me happy… And I decided to make an inventory!
Starting on the basic!
I’m alive… My heart is vigorously beating.
I breathe on my own.
My body functions in an autonomous, healthy way…
I am able to pay for my own apartment, car and associated expenses without depending on anyone else. I have a job which allows me to provide for all of that.
Then I think of tiny things which bring me the feeling of happiness…
Chocolate… the sweetest thing… Please don’t bring me real dark chocolate… that’s bitter, it doesn’t suite me…
Food… having that food you’ve been craving for… (you’ll pay it off at the gym… but that moment is just so… happy!… It’s just a coincidence that the first 2 are food!!)
The Beach… the ocean has an ability of soothing your mind and cleaning your soul. Warm sun on your skin… just soak it all up. Feed your energy!
The smell of vanilla/cinnamon/strawberry/lemon/fresh herbs… this one I can’t explain, I just love it… and it makes me feel really well.
My home environment… I decorated it as per my needs. It’s my safe haven.
Going out with friends… whether it’s night time or day time… It can be a wild night out or going for coffee, whatever. As long as you’re with them, doing something you all love, in that moment you can just relax. Spending Christmas with my family… no words needed here!
Movies… it carries me away to a different universe… I love the stories, I love how they are told, I get in it!
Horse riding… I don’t really know how to horse ride. I need support… but riding brings you to a place of peace and freedom.
Travelling!! I would travel the world in a heartbeat… Your mind just expands with the overflow of information, everything you see, you hear, you feel!! It’s such a big world out there… and you’re missing out on most of it!
Talking to like-minded people… it makes you feel like maybe you’re not the only weird person after-all!!
Petting cats and dogs… it’s amazing how they instantly fall in love with you without you even trying. They’re always just the best of themselves and bring out the best of you without asking for a thing in return.
Music I love… it usually lifts my spirit!
Wine! White at sunset or Red by the fireplace… you can bring the Rosé and Champaign too… I’m not picky, they just make me happy…
Hugging, kissing, cuddling… will not get in details here… for the obvious reasons. THAT hug is just your safe and happy place. There’s nothing else out there in that moment. Only those 2 souls.
Laughing out loud… if someone can do this for you… appreciate it. It might not last long. They will bring out the shine and bright in you. The real you.
Probably there are many other things we love doing that make us happy… sometimes we might not recognize it because we’re just not in tune all the time.
But please, if you’re not paying attention yet… Start working on it!

happy

Are we all Princesses?

We are girls… women… but even so, we always like to think of ourselves as Princesses…
I might be wrong, and I can only speak for myself.
I do think of myself as a Princess.

I’m a Daydreamer. I still believe I deserve to be treated like a Princess.
Every little girl wants to be cared for, craves for affection and attention.
Does it change that much as you grow up?
Is it not something you still crave for, even as a grown woman?
Some might say Princesses are fragile… well… aren’t we fragile when it comes to Love?
Don’t we get easily hurt if we’re not treated with respect, tenderness, caring, mindfulness? Don’t we love all those sweet words? Small thoughtful gestures that show us how appreciated we are?
And nevertheless, we are strong enough.
Being strong and sweet don’t need to collide at all. They should co-exist. Each context of life demands a different side of you.
You do need to be strong to live your life, to face everyday challenges.
To face stress at work, mean people, health issues, financial issues, family issues, heartbreaks… You need to be so strong… Even to hold your relationship through the hard times or to make a decision of letting it go.
So we are all very strong to handle everything… but in the end we are not made of steal.
We are real, made of fragile flesh and feelings. We are Body and Soul.
I believe in Balance…
It’s my favorite word – other than Love!
The balance between your Strength and your Softness makes you who you are.
What you choose to give to Who, When and Why, builds your Character.
I would even dare saying we are Warriors.
We endure jobs, households, social life, love life and any other everyday affairs. And you need to juggle it all in the air.
The amount of unrelated subjects we manage daily in our lives is endless. They consume your brain and many times reflect on your body. And you keep juggling everything as if you are perfect, wearing an invisible armor.
So, yes, I’m sure we are Warriors.
Oh wait… didn’t I just say we are Princesses?!
For me, Princess is not the same as “pretty little princess”.
It’s not the condescending version of it.
It’s the Princess-Warrior, it’s a growing Queen. She embraces her power, she chooses to be herself in a world deciding who you should be.
And if that means you are fragile sometimes… so be it.
If it means striping off the invisible armor sometimes… so be it.

princesses

The Douchebag Collection – Douchebag #1

The Douchebag Collection – douchebag #1

I spoke of meeting people through dating apps before… and I met a few interesting guys, others far from it. For one reason or another, the only word that comes to my mind to describe them is… douchebags… The so called Dubai Douchebags…

Well, I guess first of all we need to understand the meaning of douchebag.

Since I don’t quite know how to define it, I Googled it… and this is what I found out!

“a small syringe for douching the vagina, especially as a contraceptive measure”
“an obnoxious or contemptible person, typically a man”

Since clearly we’re not discussing the first option (good to know, though!), let’s go with the second one.

Then I had to check what does ‘contemptible’ mean:
“despicable, detestable, hateful, reprehensible, deplorable, loathsome, odious, revolting, execrable, unspeakable, heinous, shocking, offensive”

(please let it be more than clear that this was Google research, not my wording here!).

Now, I guess the wording you choose may vary on the experience you have… I don’t choose such strong words for my little douchebags… they all taught me something, it just means something didn’t quite go as I expected and it might have hurt my girlie ego.

I met a guy who was like a kitten… he had big hazelnut eyes, beautiful big smile and we had an amazing conversation. We talked about so many different things… feed my soul and you might have a chance at feeding my body. Anyway, he was like a kitten, really sweet, really honest about life. So I wasn’t really thinking of feeding my body.
I wanted the mind connection. And on my mind, it was there. I felt something was there. We had one coffee and one breakfast and I was in love… (this is the part where you roll your eyes, I understand).
Details like noticing my top’s fabric. Or, and more interestingly, the ‘unusual and beautiful shape of my eyes’. He noticed the way a little girl was staring at me and said ‘that’s the way our babies will look at you’. He kept on babbling about how much I’d love Scotland (and by this time, I definitely would!) and how beautiful our wedding would be… If I believed?… not really, but the way he said it was just too sweet!!
And when you’re so emotional and needy, sweet words are like sugar to an addict (I’m an admitted sugar addict).
So I wanted more. But more never came. Instead I got a message saying he really liked me and therefore would not approach me like a woman but rather as a friend. That’s when it hit me: he was a womanizer and this was common for him, with one clear goal. Which I was not up for!
At first I declined (my female ego was bruised!!) but then I reconsidered as I really rather having an honest friend than a prick and agreed to coffee upon his return. Silence, and yet again, silence.
So I broke the silence (it’s the 21st century people, girls are entitled to break the silence!)
And I said I really would like to be his friend… He replied saying how much that meant to him in a world full of fake people. But he never contacted me again. And I didn’t break the silence a second time, I just let go.
Months later, he started commenting my social media (which had never happened), so I started thinking of him again!
I then came to know through a friend that he was known in the dating app world for his vast experience… and ladies recommended him for a specific end. Wow! I suspected something like that but not to that extent.
So I was really sad. I really believed him to be a nice guy.
If I think it through, I still don’t believe him to be a bad guy. We were looking for different things.
And he might be all of that but truth be said, he did respect me enough to walk away and not include me in the same bag as every other lady.
He was a predator and allowed a pray to escape. Maybe he just wasn’t interested… but predators go for the kill, whatever the pray.
So, still today, I say I believe in the best of him. I don’t think he’s interested in the best of himself though. And that’s hugely disappointing.

douchebag 1

About THE ONE

I want the one who’ll allow me to believe in Magic.
Whom I can talk about the meaning and purpose of Life, about Life after Death, Miracles, Fate, Destiny and Free Will. About the Solar System, the Milky Way and how the Moon influences the tides and human spirit.
I want the one who will see the world with my eyes.
He will see my bright side but will also embrace my deepest, darkest side.
He will want to be my fairy tale. But he will be my ground solid rock.
We will discuss the complexity of the Human Being and understand how tiny we are but how Big we are together.
He is definitely not from this world.
(See, my feet are grounded after-all!)

the one

About Heartbreaks

What can I say about Heartbreaks?
That thing that sometimes strikes you when you least expect it, other times when you’re predicting it somehow.
It doesn’t really matter when or how it strikes… it kills you anyway.
It pulls the ground off your feet and you’ll just free fall not knowing if there will be a soft landing. Well, I have news for you. It’s everything but a soft landing.
You crash. You break every little piece in you until nothing seems to be there anymore.
You can’t breathe deep anymore.
Your stomach is always aching.
It’s just emptiness and loneliness within.
You turn into tears for indefinite time.
You’re groundless and silent.
You are gone into a dark, empty place where you care about nothing but that person who is gone. You’re lost without them. Suddenly your routine changes.
You don’t know what to do.
You can’t stand the thought of being home alone.
You can’t stand the thought of being alone.
It’s a deep, dark hole. You don’t know how to climb out of it and you don’t want to climb out of it.
You just want to drown into self-pity and cry.
It’s the end of the world. The end of your world.
And that’s what matters to you.
No more “someone taking care of you and making you laugh”. No more “someone thinking of you”. No more sharing your love and cuddles, your thoughts, your inner intimate self. It’s just you. Again.
You can’t focus at work. You can’t eat. You can’t speak.
You question yourself: Why?!
Why did this happen? What did I do wrong?
Will someone ever love me again?
Will someone ever understand me again?
You rely on your friends to help you manage but there’s only so much they can do for you. They are there for you, not allowing you to be by yourself for a long time, listening to your heartbreak. Listening to your tears and mumbled words. Giving you hope. And that is already half of the pain taken from you.
You realize it needs to be your job to pick yourself up.
No one else can do it for you.
Slowly, you start reacting back to life. You’ll smile even if you don’t feel like it. You’ll drag yourself to do something.
And you miss the person you were before the world of tears.
So you start building yourself again. Picking up the scattered tiny pieces of you all over. And you understand that if you’re not strong enough, you’ll just be in that dark hole all the time.
And that’s not you.
Necessarily, each heartbreak changes you. It takes a piece of you which you never get back.
But you do come back to Life. A full life. Where you laugh again. Where you find yourself useful again. Beautiful again. Independent again. Some people go for endless rebound relationships, others find some peace in being with their friends and designing a new routine. One day at the time.
Make plans. Work on them.
Everything is still slippery, uncertain. And scary.
But there’s no way out. You’re still breathing.
Your heart is still beating.
You’re still moving, your body is working.
There’s Life in you. That’s your major gift.
But Human Nature is an unsettled one.
You always want more. You can’t find your Peace.
At least recognize that while you’re alive, you are not allowed to be dead inside.
Honor your gift. Honor the Life you were lucky enough to have been given.
Live. Be present.

heartbreaks

About Friendship

Thinking back in my life I realize just how important my friends have been.
They were there after my first break-up, then after my second break-up. Then there were other ‘mini-breakups’ (which I’ll speak about later on) and they were there. Because although they were mini, the pain was a big thing and it was real. And again, my friends were there to see me cry and to help me get back up again.
The thing is… it wasn’t always the same friends… Life has a way of twisting, turning and shaking in a never-ending, natural, dynamic way.
I wonder how some people just change their behavior in such an unexpected way. In my whole life I lost 2 friends and it was already too much. Still to this day I can’t explain why.
I come to the conclusion that my temper doesn’t help (sorry for that, working on it) but also that the people who love you, will love you with your flaws. Especially if you respect and love them regardless of everything else.
If you hurt someone, apologize.
If you’re rude to someone, and you just realize it later on, apologize anyway.
And you try and be better and avoid it. But if you really can’t, at least you know that the people you love will still be there and will tell you off if they have to.
And you’ll be humble enough to take it.
I struggle with people who just vanish from your life. What did you do wrong?
Where do you draw the line of ‘what did I do to push him/her away’ to ‘I’ve done everything I could’?
Where do you excuse yourself knowing it wasn’t your fault?
When does it become a conscious choice of ‘I don’t want this in my life’ and you make the decision of stepping back yourself instead of looking for it?
I compare friendships to relationships (with the obvious differences).
You have to nurture them and grow them. You have to commit to them.
You have to be present… not because you have to, but because you want to.
And ultimately, if you can’t be yourself, if you’re a burden, then it’s the wrong deal for you.
If your love and complete loyalty are not valued, something is not right and no need to insist.
Is Loyalty a dying value? Is it too much to ask for nowadays?
friendship