Live your Dream

I think often of what it means to have a Dream.

For a long time I thought I didn’t have a Dream because I didn’t have a Plan. This is my ugly truth. I don’t have a Plan. I don’t have a goal set up for a certain timeframe. I’m not that organized. And there are things I want to live Now. Others in a few years. But I can’t really break it down to the detail of what is it I want, when and how I’ll get there. Another ugly truth… I really have no clue on how to achieve my dreams. That’s why for a long time I thought I didn’t have any.

I thought my only Dream was finding Prince Charming… well… what if there isn’t a Prince Charming for me? What if there’s no ‘Love of My Life’ for me? Do I become an empty cup forever, with no hopes, no aspirations?

When I came to Dubai, I came for a Job. I didn’t have a vision. I didn’t have a Plan. I didn’t have a Dream.

I didn’t know if I’d fit in. Didn’t know if I’d succeed. But I felt like I needed to do it. So I did.

Slowly I realized I could fit in. Maybe there would be a tiny space for me, even if for a short period of time. I’ve been here for 3 years. And in these 3 years I feel like  I’ve done more, seen more and learned more than in my whole life back home. Some people just don’t belong in one place, they belong to many places.

I learned I do have a Dream… the problem is that I don’t have only one Dream… I have so many different ones… and I have no idea on how to bring them through. But I still feed them in my mind.

I take one tiny little dream at the time. Each new country I go to is a tiny dream. Each new place that stuns me is a tiny dream. Each experience I thought I would never get, is a tiny dream.

I started believing dreams come in small steps. Starting my Blog was a tiny dream. And here I am feeding it.

I dream of travelling the world.

I dream of having time and money to LIVE, to GO everywhere.

I dream of living in a place of peace… but never isolated.

I dream of a small place by the beach back home.

My plans to make it happen? None.

Let me rephrase: How am I going to make them happen? I have no idea.

I have no idea if I’ll ever get there. But I’m doing my share… step by step, one tiny dream at the time. Plus, dealing with setbacks. One setback at the time. Life is not a fairy tale. (Even I know that!)

But I still feed the idea they will happen somehow, somewhere and at some point.

Do you understand now why I’m a Daydreamer? I want it all. I desire it all. Everything that will make me happy one day. I want to believe it. I need to believe it.

And of course… as you might guess… I didn’t give up on Prince Charming yet. (I mean, I did. But I chose to Believe again…)

I still dream of the house with a garden and a pool. A cat and a dog. Kids.

Lots of laughter, probably some tears along the way.

Lots of kissing and hugging.

I dream of the One who will see Me.

I believe Life will find a way to bring me to my Dreams… I’m doing my share, as best as I can.

dream

Today is Woman’s Day

I hear many ladies saying there’s no need for the existence of Woman’s Day. As we are equal everyday in every aspect, and since women are nowadays free, independent and stronger Human Beings than ever. We are given the same job opportunities, we are treated as per our performance review and recognized for our diplomatic skills.

My questions are: are we really given the same job opportunities? Are we really treated as per our performance review? Are our diplomatic skills a real asset or plain common sense?

From my experience I can’t say I ever experienced obvious discrimination for being female. But I did get the feeling of not getting a promotion merely because I wasn’t a man. And I can say that it had nothing to do with company policy. I just had been unfortunate on the person responsible for making the decision. I was unfortunate on his perspective regarding skill sets. Or specifically, on my skill set.

I still progressed, just in a different direction, with other people, with different takes on how to manage people.

So nowadays, we are so used to this day-to-day equality that we seem to have forgotten that it hasn’t always been like this. There was a time in which Women weren’t allowed to vote. In which Women belonged in the kitchen, in the house looking after the children. They were not recognized as socially equal. And now here we are… at least we don’t feel inequality or discrimination in an obvious way. At most, we debate whether women are paid the same or get the same job opportunities… all of this if we are referring to the ‘civilized world’.

womans day

Let’s pretend for a minute we had been born in some lost corner of the world, where society didn’t evolve that much.

Let’s pretend for a minute we live in a country where women are stoned to death as a way of punishment? Where female mutilation is acceptable? Where girls can’t go to school simply because they are… girls? Where women can’t make a decision of going to the gym, to the doctor, to study, to travel? Where women aren’t allowed to drive? Where women are neither allowed to be in the same space as men nor shake their hands? Where the value of a daughter is a burden instead of a promising new Human Being in this world? Where a woman who became a widow is raped as part of the local ritual? Where children and teenagers are sold as mere objects? Where children and teenagers are to be married to old men?

And yes, this all exists in the 21st century around the world, in lost forgotten pieces of land which go by the name of Countries.

Each country has their own culture and let’s not mistake cultural traditions and habits with fundamental Human Rights. The world is changing. Many countries are adjusting their view on Women’s Rights, allowing their society to try and catch up with first world practices. But in spite of it… many countries are choosing not to move on and keep whatever heritage they have.

So, before we so quickly judge and reiterate ‘we don’t need a woman’s day’ because we are as free, strong and independent as men… why don’t we think again?

What perspective would we have, had we been born in a ‘third world’ country?

woman dwoman day

The “Perfect” Syndrome

Is it my impression or we are living in a world full of the “Perfect” syndrome?

Do you ever feel like you need to be perfect, both inside and out?

You need to be beautiful, having a great body – exercise and diet to get it, you need to be smart, successful, knowing how to cook, knowing how to present yourself, keeping up with fashion trends (including make-up ones and everything about making your lashes look longer), striking super sexy photo poses, and somewhere in between keeping up with world news…. and being a great Human Being… uff… I’m tired already…

We live by the high standards of beauty and fitness magazines… they teach you how to be beautiful and healthy… Do they teach you how to feel at peace with yourself?

Do they teach you how to accept yourself, despite your imperfections?

Do they teach you how to stay true to yourself, in the kingdom of ruling external patterns?

The pressure of having a beautiful body, toned arms, abs and booty, amazing hair (cover those gray hairs that decided to make their sudden appearance!), perfect white and aligned teeth, perfect nails… and then you need to complement it all with great styling skills, branded bags, looking comfortable in heels, and I don’t know what else.

It tires me just by thinking of it all… I actually tried it for some time… but you know what?

I don’t have a perfect body. I don’t have perfect teeth. I don’t feel comfortable in heels and I don’t want to spend my money in branded bags. Oh, and I also can’t strike a proper pose… I just look silly while trying to do it. The clumsy me insists in not collaborating!! Should I be judged over it?

Should I ambition for all of that just because half of the female population craves for it?

I mean, I’m also not going to lie… Like any woman, I do appreciate a nice bag, and I’d absolutely love having sexy pose pictures, don’t get me wrong! But is it a driving factor in my life? No. And as much as I respect people who are driven by it, I like being respected for not being driven by it.

I learned to accept that about myself.

I learned how to accept my imperfect body.

I learned that I don’t want to sacrifice my love for chocolate to get a perfect body. My imperfect body has carried me through my life. And has not let me down so far.

I’m aware people judge you for your image, for how you dress, for how you speak, for how you show yourself. Is that healthy? Is it healthy that you live to impress others?

Is it healthy thinking your Prince Charming will fall in love with you by the way you look?

Well I decided it wasn’t healthy for me. And I’m much happier ever since. (I’m aware of my surrounding society though… I still live in one. It’s not as if I’m living in hermitage!)

But are we nice people because we look like nice people? Because we look perfect (or try)?

Some of us do our best to actually BE good people and even so, no one is perfect!

We’re all incredible generous but also incredible selfish under the right circumstances. Life isn’t a perfectly flat ocean. We shelter as much Good within as much Bad. We’re a pallet of different colors. Life isn’t in black&white shades only. Although sometimes it feels like it. But it’s not that simple.

So, what exactly is Perfect?

Why do we keep looking for it?

Why do we keep pretending to be someone other than ourselves? Why do we keep comparing ourselves? I do believe in striving and fighting to be better, to grow yourself but I also know I will never be perfect… not in my eyes, not in anyone else’s eyes.

And I gave up on it. And I’m comfortable with it. At least for now. Can’t tell for tomorrow.

This blog has in a way ‘set me free’. I’m going to take a risk here of being misunderstood and coming across as arrogant and selfish… but I don’t care much of what people will think if they read this. I value people’s opinion, yes. I value people’s feedback on my writing. I obviously like feeling that I’m not an alien and other people eventually resonate with some of this. But in the end… who am I writing for? For you or for me? And to be utterly honest… I’m doing it for me. But I still hope you like it.

perfect

About Being Free

As a single grown woman, you face many challenges by yourself. Many of them you wish you had someone to support you through them. Your safe cushion to help you sharing responsibilities if something goes wrong.

As a single grown woman you face the consequences of being completely free. You are the only responsible person for your actions, good or bad and their consequences.

But also, you’re the only responsible person for your Life…

For those of us who value the meaning of personal freedom, it becomes something pretty important. And you recognize it the smallest of things.

For me, I find it almost in meaningless day-to-day things… Driving listening to music I love, with the windows open on a beautiful road. It might sound ridiculous but one day, while I was driving back home, I did find myself thinking: I am free and I feel Free.

The ability to live your life without having to justify yourself to anyone is just… empowering. It’s like releasing your all of your energy by breaking any chains that incarcerate you, that contain you. And you feel bigger than that. You want to decide by yourself. You want to not have to explain.

You want to be Free.

You want the power of going where you want to go at the time you want to go.

You want the power of taking decisions without consulting with anyone, unless you find their opinion really matters.

You don’t want restraining anymore.

You want to speak your mind. You’re tired of society’s Terms&Conditions. But still you need to live by them. But in your own way. It’s a personal process and it doesn’t mean you have to step on anyone to be real, to be you.

Of course I’d like someone by my side. But that someone will have to be someone who understands the meaning of Freedom, and who understands the worth of keeping up with a free woman, a free spirit, a daydreamer. Someone who understands the worth of a whole woman. Not as someone’s sister, daughter, friend, employee. All of those are reflections of who you are in different contexts. But rather looks at you as someone who thinks for herself, acts for herself and stands tall by herself.

We all have weak moments. It happens to all of us. But those weak moments don’t define you.

What defines is how you incorporate them into your system. What you learn from them.

What defines you is All of you. All that you ARE and all that you believe you can and will be one day.

You build yourself everyday. By your choices, not anyone else’s.

freedom

Valentine’s is Here!…

Happy Valentine’s!!

It’s that time of year in which everyone asks you: ‘what are your plans for Valentine’s?’

And I just want to reply in a grumpy mood: ‘staying home watching Netflix’… but I prefer replying the exact same thing with a smile on my face… it’s not their fault in the end of the day and there’s nothing they can do about it. I’m actually going to an Anti-Valentine’s Party… it’s the new trend around here!!

(I wonder why?!)

I have nothing against Valentine’s Day… I just think that you can make Valentine’s Day any given day and don’t need a specific reason to celebrate Love, whether it’s a beautiful gift, a vivid moment or an unforgettable experience.

As I said in some of my previous posts I do wonder why is it myself and most of my friends are single. Modesty aside, we are independent, smart and beautiful women (sorry to sound presumptuous here).

Although we are career driven, there’s enough space within to accommodate Prince Charming (or frog!)… He’s definitely taking his time!!

But on this particular post, instead of reiterating my Fears about being single (which you can find in ‘Is This It?’), I want to focus on my Hopes.

I made a decision of not looking for Love anymore and so far I’m being able to keep my promise (more effectively than The Diet promise, at least).

The fact that I’m no longer looking for it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in it anymore. I still Believe. And I do Want it. But it’s not going to happen just because I want to, so better to get used to that and deal with it.

If on one hand I lead a pretty normal life, on another hand I’m a daydreamer. And I dream of everything, including Mr. Prince Charming!

I dream of little things: chilling on the couch over popcorn and movies, cooking (whatever little I can! He’ll cook better than me!) and enjoying a glass of wine. Going to the beach, to the movies, to the park. I’m a simple but versatile girl. If he wants to surprise me with dinner at a super fancy place, by all means, go ahead. I can take it. Travelling, exploring new places: it can be the new burger joint or the new hottest spot in town, can be a new country! It can be anywhere!

And then I dream of the big things (check also ‘The One’)!

I do dream of the one who will see through me. With no fears. With no lies.

The one who will see fire in my eyes and passion in my soul.

But most importantly, he’ll be able to ignite them. And he’ll be able to handle it all.

The one who will grow with me, keep up with me and will allow me to keep up with him.

Above all, I hope for truth. I hope for connection. I hope for complicity. I hope for committed freedom.

On this Valentine’s I celebrate setting myself free from my Fears and embracing my Hopes&Dreams.

I celebrate the trust in Myself. I celebrate my Strength and my Spirit.

And I’ll celebrate it with a bunch of tough ladies with soft hearts.

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Sweet Lies

Do you know when you meet someone? And you feel optimistic about it?

You think ‘there’s something about this guy’ but don’t really know what?

He’s everything you wished for and you feel a connection, you ‘feel’ that it’s mutual… (or so you think… until you either kick or get kicked and the next guy comes along)

He’s telling you everything you want to hear… everything you so much need to hear.

Deep down you may know it’s a lie because everything is so fragile and so new that it might be gone in a heartbeat. So you choose to believe it… it gives you hope and you don’t always want to be on the negative note. You know when something is too good to be true, it usually is…

But these ‘sweet little lies’ are powerful.

These lies feed our hungry heart and soul.

You’re craving for something and you’ll take almost whatever is thrown your way.

That’s why inevitably you’ll ‘pretend’ to believe them and if someone sticks around for more than just a bit you’ll actually believe them. Especially if you’re a Believer yourself.

At this point you don’t have the rational understanding to deconstruct whatever is happening and you choose to go with the flow. ‘What will be, will be’… and you close your eyes and let go.

And it’s when you let go of your guard that reality hits you… These once sweet lies have turned into bitter pieces of words…

How could they only be lies? How could someone lie so well? How could you have believed it? Where was your sane judgment? How could you not see it? Is it my problem?

If I had a dollar for each time someone told me ‘you’re beautiful’, I’d be rich. You become immune to the word. I wonder what ‘beautiful’ means to them, as I’m very sure they say it quicker than they can breathe.

Compliments become vague and empty, meaningless.

You get used to living in a world of lies.

Now… here’s the thing… How will you know if they are sweet lies or not? It’s 8 or 80!

You either believe this guy you really like and seems to like you back and see where it goes, or you shut your door without even checking who’s there. And you sarcastically laugh whenever someone tries to get close to you because you know they’re bees looking for the honey. And you decide whether you want to be a Queen Bee or not.

So where’s that balance?

My heart is an open book. And I don’t know how to keep it closed all the time.

However, some time ago, I wanted to show it to anyone who came close to me. Nowadays, I feel like I have to ‘protect’ my book… not anyone can just come and read it. Not everyone deserves my sincere ‘This is Me’ posture. I wanted to show how funny, smart and interesting I was. I wanted to show the real Me, my personality.

But most people don’t know how to handle an open book. Or maybe they’re just not up for the reading…

They want the light surface of you.  But you’re not just a light surface.

There’s a whole world in each of us. There’s more to you than a smile. There’s more to you than ‘easy going’.

You do have an intense look on your face. You do talk about deep stuff. You do have a dream.

So for now, I just write my posts and keep my book closed.

Until the day someone who actually enjoys reading, opens it up and reads it till the end.

sweet lies

The Versatile Blogger Award – Thank You!

versatile award

Wow! Again I’m amazed for someone’s kindness in nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award! Thank you so much https://jack0falltrade.wordpress.com/.

It’s wonderful seeing my writing appreciated by talented and creative people such as yourself in the blog community!!

I’m very sorry I wasn’t able to nominate 15 blogs! It’s a big blogosphere out there and it requires a lot of time to investigate! I think only over time I’ll get to explore and know the bloggers community! Thank you once again!

Here are the simple rules for the Award:

Write 7 interesting facts about yourself.

Nominate 15 blogs of your choice.

7 interesting Facts about Myself

1. What is considered an interesting fact about a person?

2. I don’t think I have 7 interesting facts.

3. I have a one eyed cat called ‘Pirata’ which means ‘Pirat’. I named her like that because she only has one eye and I wanted to get her an eye cover just like Pirats wear in the movies.

4. I love Astrology. Don’t really understand it but love the way it’s able to ‘understand’ your behavior.

5. My dream is to be able to go on a travel around the world.

6. I’m currently addicted to ‘House of Cards’… I find it completely insane.

7. When I was unemployed I decided I’d open an online business of cake baking (but then a I got a job in Dubai).

My nominees are

https://misstree.life/

https://mrhushhush.wordpress.com/

https://grvam.wordpress.com/

https://planetaryclarity.wordpress.com/

https://oneinamillionmamas.wordpress.com/

https://www.lisbonbyclarisse.com/?lang=en

https://flawlessentrepreneur.wordpress.com/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dark Side vs Bright Side

Do you ever find yourself thinking how many different ‘personalities’ you can have?

Well I do! I astonish myself with how sweet, bubbly, understanding and warm I can be but under certain circumstances, I changed. And I became someone I didn’t like being.

I became the complete opposite of my usual self. It didn’t happen often but when it did… I didn’t recognize myself…

It was like a shadow over me, turning me into the dark side of me.

I started trying to analyze what had happened to make my feel like that… I came to the conclusion that the few times this happened, I was kind of lost… ok, very lost, let’s get real. I didn’t know what to do with my life, every single decision I made was wrong. This made me so anxious. I couldn’t even sleep.

I questioned everything, including my stay in Dubai.

I was super sensitive with way too much energy flowing in both my body and my brain, not knowing exactly how to manage it.

It seemed so strong, I felt I couldn’t really contain it and I got desperate trying to get it out of my system.

I felt permanently wired to electricity but so tired at the same time and not being able to rest and sleep. My friends were all on vacation on top of it all and I felt lonely.

For the first time in my life I thought I was going crazy and would lose my grip.

I couldn’t focus on anything except that horrible flow of energy feeling so different from the one I was used to. I was mostly in a bad mood and in a bad place which I couldn’t recognize and crawl out of.

This was completely new to me.

Everything bothered me… and I’m a really easy going person. My mind was so heavy.

That was not me and I didn’t know what to do. I was rock bottom in my own way.

As time went by, this dark cloud of mine was passing too. And I was starting to feel better.

As my friends were returning from vacation, my routine was settling back.

I was falling back into place as well. Everything in me started slowing down.

Then I met someone. Then I had a heartbreak. Then I recovered.

I dedicated the remaining time of 2017 to picking up my pieces and processing a whole year of adventures and yet not much progress.

As I worked through this, 2018 came in.

And I had promised that I would close 2017 exactly where it was… in the past.

When I came to terms with this decision, it seemed everything was just as it should be.

And I could finally take a deep breath because I felt like Me again.

I started writing my blog and Facebook page. Not to get many followers or Likes (I was never that much into social media) but I needed to “say out loud” whatever I was thinking.

It’s my way of speaking my mind to the world.

I’m happy to be back to my usual bubbly, easy going personality. I’m finally laughing again with simple stuff.

I can believe again in a bright future, with or without Prince Charming.

It will be My future anyway.

It’s easier said than done and sometimes you’re not able to see the future in such a bright way just because you want to. Sometimes something pulls you down and you lack the strength to see and think beyond. But I can tell you… that feeling will go away.

Don’t let it eat you away. Embrace it. We are humans, not robots.

We are made of emotions and they can either take us to an ecstatic heaven or fiery hell. And they are both part of us. That’s what my dark side taught me.

It showed me the full reality of Me. And now I know what I’m capable of, both in a good and a bad way. From now on, it’s my choice and I feel much more conscious of who I want to be.

Had I not gone through it, I would still not know that side of me.

And getting to know the worst of me has actually made me value the best of me.

bright vs dark

A big Thank You for the Liebster Award!!

Liebster pic

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m so proud and happy to have been nominated for the Liebster Award by A Tree’s Roots. It’s so exciting to be recognized by someone with such an amazing writing! Thank you so much Ailanthus Altissima! Please refer to this blog for an understanding on the Transgender reality described through a raw but beautiful approach to what it feels like growing in a world full of deep stereotypes, such as Roots: Growth & Socialization.

What’s the Liebster Award?

As I understand, it’s a symbolic award based on a blogger’s nomination to another blog as a sign of appreciation and recognition. However, there are a few fun steps to be followed in order to “receive” it, providing visibility and respect for both who nominated your blog and your nominees.

Rules For Accepting It:

  • Write about it on your blog and thank the person who nominated you, write about their blog too.
  • Display the award on your blog.
  • Nominate 5 to 10 blogs which you feel deserve it.
  • Let the nominees know that you nominated them.”

“Don’t forget to create 10 questions for them to answer. Notify your nominees and provide a link to your post so that they’ll know what to do. Once you’re done, come back here and comment with the link to your post so I can check out your answers.”” (in A Tree’s Roots: Liebster Award – Thank You)

Questions from A Tree’s Roots:

What is your favorite color and what does it mean to you? 

Blue. I love it. There’s something about it that brings me peace. Maybe because of the sky and the sea being blue and they too bring me peace.

What prompted you to start blogging and/or writing?

It was something I had in mind for a long time but never really took that seriously. I had tried it before in my native language (Portuguese) but for one reason or another, I dropped it. Now, I decided to expose my thoughts. I was tired of hiding my endless concerns and wanted to share them in case someone might identify themselves or resonate somehow. They will know they’re not alone and I’ll also know I’m not alone.

What was the most significant journey you’ve been through?

My most significant journey was literally a journey! I moved from Lisbon (Portugal) to Dubai (United Arab Emirates) to start a new job, all by myself. Starting a new life from scratch, with no friends, no family, in a foreign country, especially in the Middle East, is an adventure which sometimes has its high moments and others not so high… It makes you revise all of your understanding on how society works, embrace new ways of working, different perspectives on Life, Religion, Social Roles. Simple things like renting an apartment, transferring your driver’s license, among others are super tasks! It’s quite a cultural challenge that requires you to adjust your brain and attitude to smoothly sail through discovering a whole new world.

Who or what is your greatest adversary?

Unfortunately, it’s myself. My mind tends to over analyze every little bit of… everything! It becomes tiring and hard to grasp if it’s something your mind is exaggerating or it’s really something to worry about. So, it’s an eternal internal dilemma. For each YES there’s a NO and vice-versa. The Mind has a very strong power and it can either Make You or Break You!

If you could conceptualize yourself as anything other than a human being, what would you be?

I’d probably be a Cat. They’re smart, sharp, funny, sweet but always within their own way to see the world.

How would you describe your safe space? If you don’t have one, what do you imagine it might be like?

My safe space is my home. Yes, even in a foreign country you can build a home, instead of just an apartment. Earth colors, warm lighting, candles, a bit of green plants, pictures… cozy, comfy environment. I put my soul in it.

What is your favorite website?

I don’t have one… I basically go online for social media and researching anything I need on a daily basis, travelling or working. I’m not computer friendly, which I find a major disadvantage. I try to keep up the basics though, not to feel excluded from society!! I do like Facebook, as it gives me the chance to express myself, whether by posting music, writing my thoughts, sharing and/or supporting social causes… no doubt it’s a Vanity Fair but it does have a good side to it, in my view.

What type of media resonates most with you?

Movies and Books. They have the ability to transport me to their own reality in each moment.

Do you have any background/education/experience you feel benefits your blog?

My education refers to Sociology/Marketing and it helped me in expressing myself though words. Although I’m Portuguese, speaking English was always kind of natural to me. Writing in English seemed like the right thing to do, living in a country that doesn’t speak my language. My personal experience helps me with the blog content… without it, I would not have created my blog. I have no particular skills to enhance my blog other than sharing what’s on my mind.

On a scale of 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest) how would you rate your ability to empathize?

I would rate myself a 7. I do think I have the ability of putting myself into someone else’s shoes and understanding their point of view on most things. So, I’m always trying to mediate opposite views and finding common ground in between.

My nominees are:

https://jack0falltrade.wordpress.com/

https://grvam.wordpress.com/

https://planetaryclarity.wordpress.com/

https://oneinamillionmamas.wordpress.com/

https://www.lisbonbyclarisse.com/?lang=en

https://flawlessentrepreneur.wordpress.com/

 My questions for you are:

  1. Who do you admire the most and why (can be anyone)?
  2. What’s your dream?
  3. What’s your favorite hobby and why?
  4. What would be your favorite travel destination and why?
  5. If you could pick an Era/Decade to live in, what would it be?
  6. What’s your favorite book and why?
  7. What do you most value in someone?
  8. What was the worst experience you had in your life (one you feel like sharing)?
  9. When did you ever feel the happiest?
  10. What was your motivation to start your blog?

Is this IT?

I’ve been wondering these past few days about my weekly routine… It’s comfortable, predictable and safe. I can pretty much summarize it in 3 words… work, gym, home. With all the good that comes with each one of them, I always anticipate the weekend, where I know I’ll go out… might be just going to the beach, going out to a club, having wine at home. I know I’ll have people I love around.

However, it’s impossible for me not to think deep down… Is this all there is to my life? Is this what I’m here for? Because this routine works for now, but how about when I’m old? No one to share my life with… no kids, no legacy… You leave this world leaving nothing behind.

I spent a year looking for Love, looking for the ‘other half of me’ because I wanted to know I wouldn’t end up alone in the world. You feel incomplete, as if something is missing. Something is not right, it’s not as it should be. You feel it deep within you for no reason. You feel you have not reached the full extension of you while you don’t have a life partner to do all of the things you dreamed of doing… because everything gets easier when you have unconditional love and support. The world is made for two, not one… One becomes a very lonely feeling when you think of it as in… forever…until you die.

This fear consumed me. Being scared drained my happiness, my soul, and my hope in a bright, promising future.

So this thinking starts building and developing in a million different thoughts which you want to let go of but can’t ever completely dissipate.

You blame it on society with its rules and ‘should be’, ‘must be’… by this age you should be married, having kids, being successful in your career… Well, guess what… I’m none of those… at least not up to my own standard.

(Someone told me I was too harsh on myself… maybe I am… One always thinks to be too much or too less of something. It’s hard to embrace all of your beautiful mess.)

Anyway, as I was saying… I spent a year looking for Love as if it’s something that you can find. Maybe I looked in all the wrong places but the fact is… I didn’t find it. Far from it. And even worse, I thought I did but didn’t… that’s a different story to tell.

So, by the end of the year, you get to the typical New Year’s resolutions… and I vowed for none.

I did have an ‘A-ha- moment’… I was so exhausted of searching for Love… looking for my prince charming… or frog… (one never really knows!) And luckily something happened in my brain and I made the decision of not waiting for my Other Half to be all that I can be. I AM all of ME. I have no choice but to be all of myself, by myself and for myself. Yes, I would love to get married and have my own family… How happy would my family and friends be? How happy would I be?

I can’t live my life by society’s expectation of ‘what should be’… I was taught ‘how it should be’… but I can’t live by those rules, as I don’t get a say in it. I cannot force anyone into falling in love with the magical me… But I can force myself into being me, with or without the magic. It’s hard to put on a big smile when you don’t feel like. It’s hard going out when you just want to lock yourself at home. But at the end of the day, I do need the bright and shiny side of myself.

I can’t look for something that can’t be found… If it ever happens (I’m still the daydreamer believing it will happen, don’t get me wrong!), it will have to find me. It’s not something you can snap your fingers and say… I’ll make it happen. That might work for everything else, especially if you’re a problem solver.

But I did snap my fingers and said… I’ll be the best that I can be. I don’t know for how long I can keep it up… But I can surely try.

And about this I say… I’ll make it happen.

is this it